Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Friday, May 26, 2006

Home for a long weekend

Whoa - that all got a bit hairy - thank you everyone who left comments. I think we put the world to rights between us. By the way, I did not mean to imply that Juliet (sorry to bandy your name again) was one of the people who didn't react positively to IFs getting pregnant. That was just another branch of my wandering thought process. Sorry again.

The weekend is a long one - Monday is a bank holiday. I am not sorry to have an extra day away from work. Nearly got into another heated conversation this afternoon, but am determined not to let it show any more. If I continue to behave as though I don't care, eventually I believe I won't. And I am beginning to be a lot more 'actively looking' for alternative employment. All in my own time, though.

Sunday brings my (not) favourite - a Christening. I am afraid I am not religious, and (in spite of having had a church wedding, much to the surprise of close friends - and a bit of a long story) I actually find it very hard to do all that stuff. It's to do with personal integrity, honesty. My brother, some years ago, asked me to be godmother to his second daughter. I turned him down because I would have to have said stuff in church (renouncing evil and accepting JC etc) that I just couldn't do with a clear conscience. I still wonder if I should have done it anyway. But Aunty or godmother - I still love her just the same, and would always be there if I were needed.

The Christening this weekend is for the third child of one of R's school friends. He still has a whole bunch of schoolfriends who live quite locally - half of them married each other, so it is quite weird for me. I am the outsider - they haven't all known me since the age of 11. Lots of farmer types, and good fun and friendly enough, but half the time I haven't a clue what or who they are talking about! But R knows how I feel, and we will go because they are his friends whom we haven't seen for ages, but we shan't stay too long because there is a bit of potential for tears, and he does look after me.

So back to more positive things -
  • the fence to go around the perimeter of our garden was delivered this week, so we can put it up at the weekend and finally plant out the clematis and honeysuckles and various bits that can climb and start covering it up!
  • I forgot some of the veg in my last post - namely tomatoes, cucumber, bell peppers, garlic and onions (red ones from seed and white and yellow ones from sets) And R's absolute pride and joy - the asparagus bed - though no asparagus until at least next year, when the plants I grew from seed will be 3 year old crowns.
  • Is this turning into a gardening blog?
  • Oh who cares!
  • The delphiniums and foxglove are coming out too, and the peonies look about to burst open.
  • I think the rain might stop soon! At the risk of being VERY British and talking about the weather WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE SUMMER?

Oh and final last positive thing, it is a little early yet, but dammit, I am going to start TTC this weekend!!!!

Have a good one.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Now I'm clueless too

I’m not simply an IF, I am a clueless and tactless IF according to Juliet. I have turned her comments over and over, but it isn’t really helping. I certainly didn’t mean my comment as a personal indictment of her situation. Her response certainly felt quite like a personal attack though.
Don't bother getting involved, but if you do want to know what I am talking about you could look at the following link (I am not good at links). My tactless remark is the second comment - Juliet's is the long one, quite a bit further down.

There is lots I could say, particularly that I really don't judge anyone for whether or not they are as lucky as I am. My comment was about my reaction to Thalia's post. That's all. But actually, I think less said the better really. To be honest, I did just wonder whether to ignore it all completely and pretend nothing happened, but out there someone is angry, because I offended her, and I am sorry for that.

The weather is dreary and wet and I feel a bit the same.

I am aware how negative so many of these posts must sound. I think I should list some positive things :

  1. I have recently seen a chiropractor for the first time ever, and feel like 100 times better. Really hopeful that my neck and shoulder problems may be sorted out. Hurrah.
  2. It is R's 40th birthday in a couple of weeks, and I have booked a hotel with Michelin starred restaurant. We are going to do a 2 day cycle tour and finish up there. I'm really looking forward to it.
  3. Our garden is getting to look fantastic. We have worked really hard on it and spent loads of money, but it is going to be worth it. Lots of flowers but VEGETABLES!!! We have broad beans, peas, broccoli, cauliflowers, sprouts, purple sprouting, parsnips, early potatoes, sweet corn, artichokes, zucchini, butternut squash and pumpkins - and I am sure I must have missed something, but that will do!
  4. I did a walk in the Black Mountains in aid of Mountain Rescue (R's Team) at the weekend - 43km, 12 hours exactly. I am fit and strong and so grateful for that.

Genuine question - please don't bite my head off, but is it really SO hard when other IF's do get pg? Really? It's been so hard for all of us, it still is, but surely another IF finally pg should lift us up - it must mean there's hope for us all?

If you are someone who has had a lot of miscarriages, and are now pregnant, or have had a baby, please let me know. I do want that hope. I won't be angry at you.

Apologies for very strange post. Am in a very strange mood.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Another wait then

My temperature chart tells me I am definitely not pregnant, as did an early HPT on Sunday morning, so I shall just wait now for the blood to reconfirm. And, sad as I am, I looked up the due date for a baby conceived with LMP of 17th May. So if I conceive this month, and all the snake oil is good for what it is supposed to be good for, I shall deliver a baby on February 21st, 2007. Sure.
I think more than anything it's the waiting that gets me down.
Thanks for the comments on the last post. I am inclined to be much less reactionary on reflection. I wonder if people at work would judge me too old after all, if I finally do get pregnant. I wonder if it's really anybody else's business.

And then I read that Cancer, Baby had died at 33, and that's too young, and made me cry. Better be as kind as you can.

Friday, May 05, 2006

I read the news today . . .

Oh boy – a woman of 62 is set to become the oldest woman in Britain to have a baby, after receiving IVF treatment in Italy. This woman is a doctor, no less. And to think I have qualms myself about having a baby at my age, a full 20 years her junior.

I do think that having a baby has to be undertaken with some consideration for the baby who will become an adult and have to deal with all the issues involved – he or she doesn’t get to choose the family they get. I know that there are so many unsuitable parents out there, but I still don’t see that as justification for creating more of them . . . or is it OK because she is clearly an intelligent woman an presumably wants a baby very much? All begs the question on why she is on the front page of the papers today.

Would be interested to know what you think . . . am I being reactionary?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Missed the boat (but got on the early train)

I had a bad feeling yesterday morning – I took my BBT, and it was significantly higher than the day before, which had already been slightly higher that the day before that.
You don’t have to be a genius to work out that I had ovulated already.
And missed it.
The wanding confirmed my own prognosis, so no Ovitrelle injection – just the instruction to get straight home and get fertilising. Though the ‘window’ had probably passed anyway.

I just can’t believe I have been so STUPID! On normal cycles I am so switched on to all the signs, and often use OPKs too, and this time around I just bypassed all that stuff and thought my body would wait for the Ovitrelle – as if it would just know. Trust me to run a short(er) cycle just when I wasn’t supposed to.

And on top of all that I got dumped off a train because I had got on an earlier train than I had booked to come home. Perfect ending to a truly crap (and very expensive) day. And why the hell is it that if you miss your train and get on a later one, that is perfectly OK, but if you get finished a bit sooner than you thought it involves paying as much as your original ticket cost in supplement? God I hate them and their petty attitudes.

(Please do not answer the above question, as the man from First Great Western did answer me, but did NOT make me feel any better at all.)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Playing Tag

I realised I actually quite enjoyed the Tag thing, and so hereby tag the following, with the project to give us 9 weird things (increased to 9 because I believe 9 is a lucky number, and definitely must be for Thalia) so the following people consider yourselves tagged:
  • Thalia
  • Lola Badeggs
  • Portliarge
  • Jill
  • Shanna

I shall be back to check! (Can you tell I used to be a teacher!?)

Tomorrow I am back to Harley Street to have a scan and probably the Ovitrelle injection if deemed ready. (Yes, this is costing me a fortune, but even more worrying I am running out of holiday!)

Then all we have to do is manage to fertilise the little thing(s).

Oh, and one day I will spend enough time on this blog to figure out how to put all the many many links on that I really feel I need to do. Am not a complete technophobe, just always pushed for time! And I live too far into the sticks even to be able to get broadband. Ho hum.