Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Friday, July 27, 2007

Under a cloud of my own

I will go insane if it doesn't stop raining soon. No, really, I am just beginning to lose it now. The wettest June on record followed by what must be the wettest July EVER and floods everywhere. It is making me miserable, or rather, I think there is other stuff making me miserable, and with this weather I just can't lift it . . .

I should be grateful, I am sure - our house did NOT flood last Friday, though colleagues at work were stuck all night in their cars trying to get home (yes, I have colleagues who live in Tewkesbury and in Upton on Severn - take a look at the pictures if you don't know what I am talking about). Our house did not flood, but our neighbour's did (they're on slightly lower ground opposite - an old mill, so they are of course near the evil brook which went beserk).

The evil brook took a large part of our garden too - about 2m x 6m (imperial? About 6ft by 20ft) It's a long story, but before we bought the house the course of the brook had been slightly altered to accommodate the bio disk system (modern eco-friendly septic tank). The rain this past 2 months has just been too much, and where the brook gently curves, the water has eaten away at the bend and the bank on the far side of the garden has just gone. First we lost the garlic, then the celeriac and fennel - now it's threatening the purple french beans. I know this isn't the end of the world, and thank heavens we don't have water in the house (how soul-destroying) AND we have clean running water and no problems with our electricity supply but still WOULD YOU STOP F*CKING RAINING NOW!

In other news, MIL had her breast cancer removed and she had the results on it today - it is a type 1 cancer - non-aggressive and she might have gone years and years and even died without it growing or becoming a threat. I spoke to her on the phone tonight and she was so perky and relieved, and just back to her normal self, it brought tears to my eyes.

Will have to break this off now - R needs picking up from town. A rare night out, and I'm the taxi cab.

More soon xxx

Friday, July 13, 2007

Slow slow SLOW!

We were due to meet with KT again on Wednesday 11th, but we had a message on our phone on the Tuesday to say she was sick and could not attend 'for a couple of weeks'.

I realise she can't help being sick, and I do not completely lack sympathy (I am a really little concerned for her that it is something bad enough to warrant being off for a couple of weeks), but I must admit to getting a little frustrated and impatient at this point. The home study has just ground to a halt. And yet we have been meeting almost once a week since sometime in March.

When we last saw her (June 7th I think, off the top of my head) we knew we would have a "month off" while she took up our references, and we know from our friends that most of them have been taken up. However, neither of our family references have been visited (R's mother and my sister), so heaven knows when that will finally happen, but I don't doubt that it must do before we go to panel. I just feel a bit irritated that KT, being part time - about 2 days a week - (and working from home and therefore relatively difficult to reach by email etc) that we are losing even more time.

In the meantime things are getting a little stressful on other fronts - mainly that R's mum, Charis, has just been diagnosed with brea*st can*cer. She has actually been caught very early (a recall on a mammogram for calcification of milk ducts revealed another small tumour on ultrasound) and, in spite of news pieces that have been hitting the headlines today, she is due to undergo an operation next Friday - just 4 weeks after the ultrasound detected it. So I am certainly not complaining on that account. However, as bad luck would have it, R's brother, wife and 7-year-old Stan are emigrating to Canada, and are leaving just 2 days before Charis' operation. So poor Charis is in bits - never mind that she will still have to go through 6 weeks of radiotherapy, with treatments 50 miles away every other day. She is 65 in September but still working and regards herself as indestructible, so this whole episode has upset her at quite a profound level. (Her husband, R's dad, has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, and though he is not yet too bad, he isn't really taking this in or being much of a support to her). Poor thing, it's a lot to be dealing with (for both of them really).

I guess it sounds a bit mad, even a bit selfish of us, but Charis would be so thrilled if we got a baby soon - even if we just got approved and she had it to look forward to. I really think it would make a huge difference, especially bearing in mind that the 7-year-old is her only grandchild, and soon to be in Canada.

BUT - if the panel next meets at the end of August and there is still so much to get through, what are the chances the whole thing will get delayed?

Come on KT - stir yourself!

Monday, July 02, 2007


Maybe it is time. Time to morph this blog into what the title would never suggest . . . well, maybe it would if you gave it some thought.

I have had enough of the recurring miscarriage. I want to write about the adopti*n process.

This blog is now my adopti*n blog.

It is beginning to feel as though it may all actually happen.

We last met with KT nearly a month ago, and she has been meeting our referees. It has been a little nerve-racking, as you can never be quite sure what will happen at these meetings.

Nonetheless, we chose, of course, GOOD friends that we trust, and who care about us. But KT had warned us that it is not unusual for referees to be a little reluctant, not all that chuffed to be cross-examinedby a nosey social worker.

I rang round - talked at great length to Y and E, my 2 main referees. Explained how KT can come across as very jaded, very negative etc etc. I explained that KT had told us that she would expect referees to have good insight into what we would be taking on, to understand that this adoption business is not like 'having your own'. I talked to Y about attachment and disability issues, I lent E my second-best book on attachment, and talked to her about how it had changed since the 60s when her mother adopted her brother at 8 weeks and immediately changed his name.

E was great. She left the attachment book lying around conspicuously. She chatted at length about her brother and listened to how things have changed, as I warned she would have to. She liked KT. They got on. E was delighted with the idea that referees are what KT sees as 'kind of non-religious god-parents to the adopted child, when he or she arrives'. E wants to be the Evil Aunt. She is finally excited too, and it is lovely to have my best friend excited about this with me. (I should add that she has never had nor wanted children, although she spends time with kids from the street, painting and creating with them, running an informal club, enjoying each child's unique worldview and sympathising with each one's difficulties).

When KT visited Y both Y's children were out. What a pity. Y epitomises the mother I want to become, and I wish KT could have seen her in that role, patient, kind, loving and giving. But Y too gave lots of good answers. We chatted for ages afterwards so that I could understand where KT is coming from. But I don't think I need worry. KT does most of the talking (bizarrely) and said to Y and her husband some very positive stuff. Something along the lines of "you can never say 100%, but Vivien and R are as good as you get in this game".

I said to R yesterday - do you think this will finally happen?

He answered with some excitement, in the positive.

We go 'to panel' in August / September.

That means we should be approved and ready to take a child.

KT is backing us for a child as young as possible. Certainly under 1 year.

She started asking us odd questions about would we be prepared to move out of the county if they could find a baby within the county for us.

YES YES - of course we would move out of the county. (Hoops are our speciality these days.) I think she is serious. I think she wants to place a local baby with us. Has she one in mind?

She really seems to be rooting for us.

Don't let them put you off adoption with horror stories about the selection process. It really hasn't been so awful. The worst has been letting go of the hope that I would have a birth child. Or at least, coming to terms with the fact that I shan't. That is a long process, but necessary.

But it doesn't mean I can't be a mother.

What a fantastic hope. This might really happen. It's even possible that I will have a baby by Christmas. Though I am not pinning my hopes on that as a deadline. I am trying to be realistic!