Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Monday, July 02, 2007


Maybe it is time. Time to morph this blog into what the title would never suggest . . . well, maybe it would if you gave it some thought.

I have had enough of the recurring miscarriage. I want to write about the adopti*n process.

This blog is now my adopti*n blog.

It is beginning to feel as though it may all actually happen.

We last met with KT nearly a month ago, and she has been meeting our referees. It has been a little nerve-racking, as you can never be quite sure what will happen at these meetings.

Nonetheless, we chose, of course, GOOD friends that we trust, and who care about us. But KT had warned us that it is not unusual for referees to be a little reluctant, not all that chuffed to be cross-examinedby a nosey social worker.

I rang round - talked at great length to Y and E, my 2 main referees. Explained how KT can come across as very jaded, very negative etc etc. I explained that KT had told us that she would expect referees to have good insight into what we would be taking on, to understand that this adoption business is not like 'having your own'. I talked to Y about attachment and disability issues, I lent E my second-best book on attachment, and talked to her about how it had changed since the 60s when her mother adopted her brother at 8 weeks and immediately changed his name.

E was great. She left the attachment book lying around conspicuously. She chatted at length about her brother and listened to how things have changed, as I warned she would have to. She liked KT. They got on. E was delighted with the idea that referees are what KT sees as 'kind of non-religious god-parents to the adopted child, when he or she arrives'. E wants to be the Evil Aunt. She is finally excited too, and it is lovely to have my best friend excited about this with me. (I should add that she has never had nor wanted children, although she spends time with kids from the street, painting and creating with them, running an informal club, enjoying each child's unique worldview and sympathising with each one's difficulties).

When KT visited Y both Y's children were out. What a pity. Y epitomises the mother I want to become, and I wish KT could have seen her in that role, patient, kind, loving and giving. But Y too gave lots of good answers. We chatted for ages afterwards so that I could understand where KT is coming from. But I don't think I need worry. KT does most of the talking (bizarrely) and said to Y and her husband some very positive stuff. Something along the lines of "you can never say 100%, but Vivien and R are as good as you get in this game".

I said to R yesterday - do you think this will finally happen?

He answered with some excitement, in the positive.

We go 'to panel' in August / September.

That means we should be approved and ready to take a child.

KT is backing us for a child as young as possible. Certainly under 1 year.

She started asking us odd questions about would we be prepared to move out of the county if they could find a baby within the county for us.

YES YES - of course we would move out of the county. (Hoops are our speciality these days.) I think she is serious. I think she wants to place a local baby with us. Has she one in mind?

She really seems to be rooting for us.

Don't let them put you off adoption with horror stories about the selection process. It really hasn't been so awful. The worst has been letting go of the hope that I would have a birth child. Or at least, coming to terms with the fact that I shan't. That is a long process, but necessary.

But it doesn't mean I can't be a mother.

What a fantastic hope. This might really happen. It's even possible that I will have a baby by Christmas. Though I am not pinning my hopes on that as a deadline. I am trying to be realistic!


  • So nice to see an update!

    I hope it works out. So good to be looking forward!

    By Anonymous Fuschia, at 10:01 pm  

  • really fantastic news, Vivien, it all sounds very positive. A friend of mine who went through the vetting process last year said the same as you - that it wasn't nearly as bad as she'd thought in advance. Fingers crossed.

    PS although you can't change your url easily, I think you can change the title of your blog as it shows up in bloglines or in your title - have a look at your settings...

    By Blogger Thalia, at 8:14 am  

  • Dear Vivien, it's so good to hear from you, and to hear that the vetting process has been going so well. I'm hoping very hard for the two of you!

    By Anonymous Kath, at 4:40 pm  

  • I just found your blog and wanted to wish you well on your adoption process. I too have suffered RPL along with secondary infertility. We are doing IVF but also have our papers in as foster to adopt parents regardless of our IVF outcome. Best wishes.

    By Blogger a part of who we are..., at 9:08 pm  

  • Really, really pleased this is going so well for you. She does sound like she's hinting she might already have a match for you. Especially if she's open to you moving house - often they won't let you think about that until the children are well settled (even if you yourselves move house before they come) as it's "too much change".

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 7:31 pm  

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