Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Angry post.

Here's a rant, and probably of very little interest, but it bugged me, so I shall write it down.

My brother, a lifelong smoker had his 52nd birthday at the beginning of March.
His wife, 39 and seriously overweight.
Both bone-idle, live in south London and generally live in a state of inactivity, with the attitude that the world owes them.

My brother undoubtedly adores his 2 year old daughter.
But has no contact with the kids he had, with his first wife, a daughter in 1979 and a son in 1980.
He left (or was thrown out) in about 1985.

This is his second chance.
His son was born on 21 March.
A perfect baby.

They grumble that it wakes them up.
They send their daughter back to her room repeatedly in the mornings until they can lever themselves out of bed (often well after 9am)
Hell, they couldn't even get out of bed for us - we spent 2 hours on Sunday morning entertaining their daughter (a pleasure and delight) until they finally emerged, groaning.

I realise I am not the best judge here, but do you get where I am coming from?
If I had ever hoped for fairness I was being unrealistic, I know.
I spent a long time after returning from the weekend in London depressed, and finally sobbing. How else can I deal with the injustice? Always in the knowledge that I don't have any right to a child, but I swear, my brother has had 4.

In the meantime, while they go on in their own sweet way, we continue our meetings with KT. She mellows and we have frank discussions about attachment and our concurring if slightly radical views.

I told her about my anger with my brother, who spends his time telling me how devoted he is to his daughter, while barely giving the child the time of day.

I told her about my anger with the colleague who had her baby just before Christmas and came back to work full time at the beginning of April.

You know what - I think I shall be contentious. I think this is wrong. Just wrong. And selfish.
She says she needs the money, they took on a big mortgage blah blah blah. A mutual friend tells me they just spent a ton of money on a new music system and huge flat screen TV. It's about priorities really, isn't it.

Children who go into childcare very early (6 months) appear to thrive and socialise, but of course they are being pushed to soon into self reliance, they are learning to be carers instead of having the security of being cared for. This is the discussion I have had with KT. She feels like an ally, which I daresay is her job.

I am coming through a period when I have questioned whether I can go through with the adoption thing. But R is my rock, and is really looking forward to being a dad. I feel I need to get to the stage when we meet the child but that is still a long way off.


  • Oh V, I hear you loud and clear.

    Justice? Fairness?


    By Blogger Patience, at 8:15 am  

  • We have similar issues with my brother and his two - even my mother admits that we would be better parents! I can't be bothered to write it all again but as my mum says "it's the people who really SHOULD be parents who seem to have such problems getting there" - our very nice friends, my other friend who is a lovely primary school teacher, etc.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 4:07 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, that must be such a knife in the heart. I'm so sorry. I know we can't expect fairness but there are situations that just make you want to scream.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 1:44 pm  

  • I understand. I lost my baby 2 months ago at 16w6d (my 4th loss) and today I saw a very pregnant girl wearing high heeled shoes and it infuriated me. It just didn't seem fair. Here I took every precaution to keep "us" safe and failed and this girl is shopping wearing heels. I wanted to go up to her and ask what on earth she was thinking but of course I looked the other way and sighed...


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:27 am  

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