This must help our case!

"R and Vivien are adamant that they want to nurture, not torture, a child in their care"

I should think this quote (it's real, taken from our For.m F, written by the lovely KT) should stand us in great stead, wouldn't you think?

Obviously, for pure comedy value I have taken it out of context, but even so! She is actually referring to the fact that he and I are both very physically active, and the way we would deal with a child who may not enjoy physical exercise so much.

I laughed till I cried.

In fact the form, overall, is incredibly flattering of us - it made really heart-warming reading. Our 'second opinion' interview yesterday went really well. Apparently everyone is very positive.



PS I am really having a bit of trouble keeping up with others' blogs at the moment, so you will have to forgive me. It may be my imagination, or it may just be the blogs I happen to read, but lots of RM's are currently / recently having babies, and though I really am very glad for you, I still wish it could have been me. I just don't have much to comment and I find myself getting quite down if I spend too much time catching up. I guess I don't need to apologise, and I know few people come by here anyway, but I am a bit paralysed at the moment. I hope you won't stop coming by anyway, as comments here really do lift me (yuk - now that sounds begging).

PPS on a comment a little while back someone called Ruthie left me a message about wanting more info on adoption - if you are still reading, please leave me some way of contacting you?

Back to work . . .

Sorry, Shinny, but I was right I am afraid - no point being the optimist commenter on MY blog!

On the bright side, it really wasn't too awful - I suppose I am just getting to know the score, and I genuinely think that without the drugs and rather terrible and desperate efforts to save these doomed pregnancies, it was all a little less traumatic.

Having said that, I had a very miserable time on Sunday morning in Paris, as I foolishly left the hotel without painkillers, to be hit by full-on cramps. Crying, doubled up on the streets of France's capital was not fun. Neither were the hours on an overnight sleeper train to Florence. Toilets on trains are never very nice, are they?

But it's all over now (baby blue).

And I really am grateful that the pregnancy didn't linger for another week or so. My holiday was 2 weeks, and by the second week I had virtually stopped bleeding, and I genuinely had a really good time. We walked from Florence to Siena which was beautiful, and the food and wine and countryside and weather were all fabulous. And R was fabulous too - it really was like being on honeymoon again. I am so lucky to be so loved.

I have of course kept this latest m/c from KT, our social worker, who last visited yesterday (Sunday!) with her draft of our Form F for us to check over. She also wants photos of us and CVs for some reason (the photos I can understand - the CVs rather less so). This week is busy on the adoption front - the SW who interviewed our parents while KT was off sick has asked for an interview on Wednesday for the 'second opinion'. And on Thursday KT is back to make any changes / discuss any points we are not happy with from the Form F.

In the meantime my best friend rang me this evening to say that she received the report of her interview with KT, and it nearly made her cry, it was so lovely. She was touched by what KT had written both about her and how supportive she is of our application, as well as about me and R, and what good adoptive parents we would make.

So why do I feel so flat about it? I think I have gone past believing. Before you say it, no, it's not the m/c causing this feeling - I felt it before, and oddly, I even felt it about the pregnancy. No. Excitement. At. All. I think it will come back, but I think the whole process has just worn me out - not just the adoption process, the whole 'I want a baby' process. Four and a half years is a long time for an impatient person like me! (Pamplemousse, I take off my hat to you!)

Oh well, back to Form F checking. The fifteenth will be on us before we know it - and then the waiting can really start!

The unexpected followed by the very familiar

Just a very brief update to say that last Thursday at CD 35, (which is not unheard of for me on a normal cycle) I POAS and was genuinely surprised to get a second line. After all, I had meant to get off the rollercoaster - we certainly hadn't been 'trying', and as it's been well over a year since my last m/c I just thought I wouldn't get pg again.

I was, however less surprised to start spotting a few days later.

I had decided for my sanity (a) not to tell anyone and (b) not to do anything.

I just couldn't face bloods and HCG levels, never mind even thinking about Clexane injections, steroids and so on. They didn't help before and I just didn't think they would help this time anyway.

Needless to say this one is not a keeper either. Symptoms are gone and the spotting continues. I know the signs.

Fortunately we are about to go on holiday, and I expect to have the 'full m/c' (how to say that in a nice way?) while we are away. I'm packing pads and painkillers.

See you after my holiday.