Hey - wasn't something supposed to HAPPEN in February?

Here's the email I wrote to KT last Friday.

Hello KT,

I hope you are well and enjoying the sunny weather (which will probably have turned to rain by the time you get this!)

As yet another friend announces she is pregnant, I thought I would just drop you a line to see how things are going, and let you know we are still here, and still trying to remain positive! R was so convinced something would happen in February, that I am just writing to check really.

Is there any progress at all or anything in the offing?

Would be good to hear from you

Love and best wishes,

Well, I had no reply on email, but was out last night and she called (weird that our SW always calls late in the evenings, can't understand that at all). R took the call and she said she was responding to my email so can she come round Monday 9am.

R agreed, but got no more information out of her, (it was a very short call) and as he didn't have me hissing at him, it is hard to know exactly whether she was cagey or simply businesslike. R says she was 'fairly upbeat' but gave nothing away. Who knows if there was anything to give away.

Isn't this crazy? Second-guessing a telephone call that I was not even present for? Honestly, it's like P-ingOAS a week before you're due.

But different. Obviously.

I am pretty sure it's all something of nothing - she is just responding to my email, and coming round for a catch-up, which will no-doubt be another round of reassuring 'wevenotforgottenyou' noises. Hoo-bloody-ray.

And in the meantime I have been getting quite tense. A sense of impending doom, along with plenty of general gloom is having a pretty good go at enveloping me. I am crying quite easily, but it's not healing, it's just painful.

And there are no fewer than 6 women I know and have regular contact with who are pregnant. Is this fair?

And out to dinner last night I sat next to a good friend (baby due May 6th) and opposite a colleague whose friend had a baby last year. The mother is back in work full time, the child (by all accounts) is turning into a clingy, spoilt brat and I had to listen to a discussion on the subject of 'having it all', staying home or going out to work once kids are on the scene. I must give out a lot of 'I am tough' vibes, because all of the women involved in this discussion KNOW about the adoption plans, and the miscarriages.

Me and my stupid brave face, eh. Roll on Monday - something to really cry about.

If only there were something to tell . . .

It's been a long absence, but yes, I am still here.

Still nothing, and getting a bit frustrated. Actually, I saw a friend last week - I only see her maybe three or four times a year, and she was eager to know 'how it was going, how I was feeling' and I struggled to express it. Eventually I said, "I suppose I just don't really believe it is going to happen" and she looked really, really upset for me. And I just shrugged. It all just seems so far away, and I guess if/when there is finally reason to believe it, all the wheels will start turning, and I will be excited, but . . . I don't know. At the moment I have stupid amounts of work, and there have been some decisions that I am not happy with (it's hard to work on a project with your heart and soul, when you believe the project is fundamentally flawed) so I find myself wishing for the phonecall so that I could tell them all to get on with it on their own.

Revenge is not really a valid reason for adoption though, is it. And anyway, whatever reason I have at the moment, it's not going to make any difference.

Our fate (or our child) is not currently on our radar. How is this for Cheerful Thought Of the Week: At this very moment our future child may be undergoing some abuse or neglect at the hands of its 'real' parents. Or sitting in a foster home, awaiting an adoption order. Or just crying in his/her cot, because s/he is hungry and no-one cares enough.

So what does someone waiting to adopt go and see at the movies? Well, Juno of course. Loved it. Yes, really. Just because it is a lovely story, well acted and you change your mind about almost all of the characters in it. And that bit is great, and pretty rare in the movies. I am the worst person I know for having negative first impressions which turn out to be wrong - this film gives you negative and positive first impressions - and most of them turn out to be wrong. Good message. As for all the fuss about adoption law - well, the whole story is about a million miles away from what happens over here anyway, so it didn't really bother me at all. It is fiction, after all.


Dear Dino, thanks for missing me - I wonder if you did email me - the account that this links to is one I hardly ever access these days - but maybe I will go and have a look.