If they knew, they wouldn't, would they?

First – to “my American readers” – Happy Independence Day. Judging by the standard of the British performances in the World Cup and at Wimbledon I think you guys did the right thing! Just kidding, but have a good holiday.

For a couple of days I have been “working from home”. It is something I am able to do very occasionally, when I am not involved in day-to-day meetings and have a lot of writing to do, it is just more efficient. At present I have a lot of writing to do, and it has suited me very well being at home. I am OK, but not very stable. It is just that things will set me off quite easily. And I don’t want all that pity and, as I have said, I worry that people will think I am stupid for continuing to put myself through this instead of accepting that at 42 I am past having kids. Get over it.

I think not telling my work colleagues is a kind of self-protection. Last year I went through the scenario where I did tell them what had happened. I had nearly 2 weeks off after my 4th m/c last July/August. They sent me a big bunch of flowers. But, though after 2 weeks I was well enough to come back to work, (actually I felt a bit of a fraud) I was by no means ‘over it’.

Then I did it all over again in October (# 5). That time only my closest colleague and my manager knew, though it would have been very easy for anyone to guess - I was off at medical appointments so often. It was nearly 2 months after that, just after Christmas that everything really kicked off . . . lots of “complaints” apparently from the team about my work. It was so awful. I felt so miserable that they could be so harsh, and the more so because they KNEW what had happened. I think other people just assume you do get over it. Short memory syndrome.

So this time I am being as completely brave as I can be. I am here in work, and I think I am doing OK.

But then this:

I got married in October 2004. 2 weeks before me, a close colleague (J) also married, and 2 weeks after me yet another colleague (D) got married. A real rash of weddings in our company that October! J had been in her relationship for about 8 years, and at her wedding was already 4 – 5 months pregnant. Her little boy is lovely, though I don’t see much of him. J is a good friend to me, and knows about the m/c’s. In fact, though at the time she didn’t know, she was with me for the first one, as we were together on a work trip to the States. Then today, I was in the shared kitchen by my office making some tea, and D walks in, smiles broadly at me, and says ‘have you heard the news’, cupping her tummy significantly.

Brave brave brave. It’s not her fault. She doesn’t know. It did help that I had actually guessed a couple of weeks ago. So I told her I had guessed, and we laughed about it. Clever me, I can laugh with a newly pregnant woman.

Her baby is due on Christmas day. I think I managed all the right faces, all the right noises.

But all I am thinking is – this leaves only me, and I have a big thick pad between my legs. And I am still feeling sorry for myself.