Definitely positive test - definitely negative me.

I had a digital test left over, and now, two days past my last possible period due date, I thought it safe enough to try.
Kindly it gave me the message I needed to see. No more squinting at lines. Just ‘pregnant’. R hugged and kissed me, but I can’t shake off this ambivalence, though I tried to get excited too. I kept looking at it as though it could tell me whether this time there will be a baby.

The thing is, I have been here before. 5 times. I know I am doing different stuff this time.
- NEW – daily Heparin injections
- NEW – BIG doses of Progesterone (400mg pessary am and pm - v messy)
- Nearly New – Prednisolone tablets daily
- Plus the aspirin
- And the folic acid of course

I have never seen a heartbeat.
I don’t know that there has never been one, but then I was never even offered a scan before 7 – 8 weeks, by which time it had been scheduled to check whether the bleeding I had had meant bad news. And it always did.

Until the 5th m/c gave me much more information, made it clear to me that although I was only spotting a little and the full-on bleeding didn’t take place until 7-8 weeks, in reality the fetus didn’t made it past about 6.

And Dr X wants me to come in on ‘week 6 -7’ for my first scan.

I would have thought I would be desperate to see something, but I find myself wanting to put off the day of my appointment because I want to KNOW. I don’t want to go all the way to London to be told it’s still a bit early – come back next week.

I want to see that heartbeat SO MUCH. I will feel reassured, though I know that’s not the end of the story, but I would feel better to get that far. And if I put off the date, and I have started spotting, then the scan can either reassure me or confirm my fears.

In the meantime poor R is very upset about the timing of his (our) holiday. We have planned it with 2 other couples, so R can’t pull out as he is the qualified International Mountain Leader, and winter ML with skills none of the others have. He really does need to be on one end of the rope! But now he is panicking that I may m/c while he is away.

Personally I would be glad just to get that far. The end of July seems like years away to me.