Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Definitely positive test - definitely negative me.

I had a digital test left over, and now, two days past my last possible period due date, I thought it safe enough to try.
Kindly it gave me the message I needed to see. No more squinting at lines. Just ‘pregnant’. R hugged and kissed me, but I can’t shake off this ambivalence, though I tried to get excited too. I kept looking at it as though it could tell me whether this time there will be a baby.

The thing is, I have been here before. 5 times. I know I am doing different stuff this time.
- NEW – daily Heparin injections
- NEW – BIG doses of Progesterone (400mg pessary am and pm - v messy)
- Nearly New – Prednisolone tablets daily
- Plus the aspirin
- And the folic acid of course


I have never seen a heartbeat.
I don’t know that there has never been one, but then I was never even offered a scan before 7 – 8 weeks, by which time it had been scheduled to check whether the bleeding I had had meant bad news. And it always did.

Until the 5th m/c gave me much more information, made it clear to me that although I was only spotting a little and the full-on bleeding didn’t take place until 7-8 weeks, in reality the fetus didn’t made it past about 6.

And Dr X wants me to come in on ‘week 6 -7’ for my first scan.

I would have thought I would be desperate to see something, but I find myself wanting to put off the day of my appointment because I want to KNOW. I don’t want to go all the way to London to be told it’s still a bit early – come back next week.

I want to see that heartbeat SO MUCH. I will feel reassured, though I know that’s not the end of the story, but I would feel better to get that far. And if I put off the date, and I have started spotting, then the scan can either reassure me or confirm my fears.

In the meantime poor R is very upset about the timing of his (our) holiday. We have planned it with 2 other couples, so R can’t pull out as he is the qualified International Mountain Leader, and winter ML with skills none of the others have. He really does need to be on one end of the rope! But now he is panicking that I may m/c while he is away.

Personally I would be glad just to get that far. The end of July seems like years
away to me.

8 Comments:

  • I am so happy that the test gave you a positive. I really hope that this little bugger is growing faster then expected and you see that sweet little heart just a beating away when you have your scan.
    With my last one I had my first scan at 6 weeks 5 days and we had a heartbeat then. The technician was actually surprised to see one that early.
    I will be crossing my fingers and toes, can't cross the legs for you this week as we need to get on the bandwagon of Death March Sex, totally stole that line from someone in blogland. So I will send you good thoughts if you would be so kind as to send a few my way as well. Ok, I will send mine to you regardless, but hey, gotta ask for all the help I can, right? Big hugs from Wisconsin to you dear.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 2:58 pm  

  • With this pregnancy I saw the HB at 6W2D. Push it as close to 7W as possible and you should see something. I so hope you make it to the end of July to see the husband off to his trip!

    Will you get weekly scans? They have helped with my anxiety tremendously.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 3:40 pm  

  • Congratulations! Yay! Okay, now for the cautious optimism. I'm keeping everything crossed for you - I really hope all goes well. I'm rooting for your family! Please keep us all posted. xoxoxo

    By Blogger Anna, at 6:51 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, I am hoping so hard that the change in your protocol (and a huge change in your luck) makes all the difference this time.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 7:22 pm  

  • I keep hanging on to what that jon cohen book says, most women, even after multiple miscarriages, will go on to carry a baby to term. I so hope that this is that baby for you.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 8:25 pm  

  • You will be in my thoughts. I know how hard it is to muster up anything positive with so much uncertainty. *hugs*

    By Blogger Milenka, at 4:14 am  

  • Can I whisper Yay?

    By Blogger daysgoby, at 2:48 am  

  • I'm glad you have some different things in place to help protect and continue this pregnancy. I hope that makes you feel a bit more confident. I'm keeping everything crossed for you, and hoping this is it.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 6:17 pm  

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