Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Not very proud of myself

This is going to be a bit hard. Home alone this weekend and here's what I have done:

Went shopping yesterday.
  • Bit of food (high protein stuff, and vegetables)
  • Body Shop cocoa body butter (the top of my back is peeling after a very out-of-character, embarrassing sunburn last weekend)
  • 2 pairs of cut-off trousers - cheap ones. (Just in time for the change in the weather!)
  • Book by Lesley Regan (St Mary's Hospital, London) about miscarriage. 'What every woman should know' apparently.

Then I came home and:

  • Started reading the miscarriage book lying on the bed.
  • Distracted, I updated my fertility / temperature chart book noting the test dates and start dates for the drug treatment that I have now started.
  • Read some more of the miscarriage book.
  • Fell asleep
  • Awoken by the phone ringing. Ran at full tilt down the stairs, thinking it might be R. Also momentarily thinking I may trip and end this pregnancy even more prematurely. Nope - an agency doing market research on shopping habits. Would I take part? No, sorry.
  • Spent time examining and re-examining my current and previous charts, to try and suss out exactly when my period would have been due. I seem to have a slightly long luteal phase - about 15/16 days. Worked myself up (again) into believing my period will start this weekend.
  • Got v depressed about the Lesley Regan book. I am a vulnerable woman who is easily taken in by a doctor offering unproven protocol. Understandable but ultimately stupid and weak.
  • Watched quite a lot of really, really awful TV.
  • Gave myself my third clexane injection. It isn't easy to stick a needle in yourself and I am not really getting any better. My stomach is looking a mess already, as I am so hesitant I seem to stick the needle in and pull it out immediately so have to stick it back in. More holes than necessary.
  • Changed the bed because Roger (the cat) had walked on the duvet with muddy paws.
  • Locked the chickens away after dark. 4 of them (new ones) have still not realised they need to go INSIDE at night. Put them in manually. (Yes - always wash in anti-bacterial handwash after dealing with the chickens).
  • Woke up this morning to find Roger on the bed. Paws lovely and clean - fresh duvet cover a real mess!
  • Breakfast - tomatoes and mushrooms on toast.
  • Radio 4 and net surfing all morning till now (3pm).
  • Spent ages updating my (rather morbid) excel chart which shows each miscarriage and cycle since November 2003.
  • Added a new sheet to aforementioned chart - 'Pregnancy #6'. Added expected dates of demise.
  • Expected date of spotting - 2nd July.
  • Expected date of big bleed starting, approx 11th July.
  • Definite date of my birthday - July 6th.
  • Date of holiday booked to go high level alpine walking, including glacier crossing: 29th July. If I don't miscarry, I would be in my 11th week. I will not go of course. If I do miscarry, what are the chances I will be fit enough to go?

Please, please stop obsessing.

I think I will try and do some gardening and take my mind off all of this. If only it were that easy.


  • Try reading something happy instead of sad. I'm trying to think of something funny for you to read but I can't think of anything right now.

    Ever see the movie planes, trains and automobiles? Very funny movie.

    'The Power of Now' is a great book too that helps me stop obessing and deal with my anxiety.

    Anything by Paulo Coelho is pretty inspiring too.

    Sending you happy thoughts!!

    By Blogger Murray, at 4:05 am  

  • I've only read that book when not pregnant... But she is very rigorous and only puts in treatments and causes she thinks are justified, and that are backed up by research. It is a little out of date but a bit of Medline searching should help you work out what's been done since.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 10:48 am  

  • You obssess al you want. It's not so surprising given what you have been through. If you feel like talking, drop me an e-mail. I know what you're going through!!

    By Anonymous Lola Badeggs, at 1:23 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, yes, Regan is very strict, isn't she? Although it was slightly gratifying to see that she can be wrong, too, as it turns out she is in her assessment that septae shouldn't lead to recurrent pregnancy loss. Exhibit A is right here.

    I hope these weeks of obsessing and worrying fly by and result in nothing but happiness this time. So hoping for that, my dear.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 5:46 pm  

  • Have you read the jon cohen book too? He's pretty definite although of course not a doctor.

    I do so hope that this one sticks around.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 10:58 pm  

  • Thinking of you, Vivien,

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 11:05 am  

  • So, I'm not the only one who reads miscarriage books when I find out I'm pregnant? How these miscarriages change us. But I haven't read that one, so now I have another for my list.

    Sending you big hugs and lots of positive thoughts.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 6:13 pm  

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