Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Friday, June 16, 2006

The cat smirketh on

Here’s the story.

On Wednesday after posting I spent the day feeling rather flat. I couldn’t say that I had been SURE, but I really had thought I probably was pregnant, so it that pee-stick was such a let-down. I got home from work, watered the tomatoes and cucumbers etc in the green house, did a bit of garden ‘pottering’ (mostly admiring the deep pink peonies, the roses, and all the other flowers that are currently brightening up life. And then I rather gracelessly flopped in front of the TV to watch our latest rental DVD – Shadowlands with Anthony Hopkins questioning his faith while falling in love, and Deborah Winger dying of cancer – and both R and I cried copiously, though we had both seen it at least twice before. Very therapeutic. Also, seeing as I wasn’t pregnant I had a glass of wine with the film!

Then, as we went to bed but because I am an obsessive, I just picked up the morning’s peestick, put it under a very bright light (the one over the mirror in the bathroom) and could JUST ABOUT make out a very very faint second line. Now I know they say to ignore anything that appears after 10 minutes, but I was grasping at straws here.

Also, in spite of the 10 minute advice, I have never seen a pee stick change from negative to positive before. I started thinking that maybe I should retest. Maybe I had just misjudged things.

Of course, for the first time in probably 2 years, I didn’t have a spare ‘early’ test in the house, so I couldn’t retest on Thursday morning.

So – yesterday at lunchtime I popped into the chemist and bought myself a double pack. I planned to leave the first test till this morning, but in fact ended up using one last night, because apart from being an obsessive, I am also Mrs Impatient. What the hell, I thought, I can always buy more peesticks, but you can't buy patience.

So - after a long spell of NOT peeing, (because, still being 2 days before my period is due, I should really have used the morning stuff) – I tried again.

You have guessed already.

It is really faint still

But there is a second line.

So now what happens?

I don’t think I have ever felt this ambivalent about something I should be pleased about. I am pleased, but at the same time I am so scared too. Actually I keep nearly bursting into tears, which in itself worries me as I think maybe I am having a hormone dip already and this “pregnancy” won’t last through the weekend. As we all know, most pregnancies appear to end before the woman even realises she is pregnant – swept away in what she thinks is a normal period.

So now I am scared of the weekend, and of course R is away running a mountain marathon in the extreme far north of Scotland. He flies to Inverness today and won't be back until Monday night. It’s OK - I can be a wreck all on my own – I don’t need him to help!

I shall cuddle that cat I think.

And next time, if I am wondering about whether I am pregnant, I will ask the cat, and save the money on peesticks.


  • Great news. I know the next few days/weeks will be scary. Hang in there, we are all here for you.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 2:21 pm  

  • Congratulations! Two of my blog ladies announcing in one day. Can it get better? So very happy and also totally understand your fear. Wish that I wasn't able to relate but then I probably wouldn't know you.
    Take care and listen to that dang cat next time, would ya? ;)
    So very, very happy.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 3:17 pm  

  • Oh Vivien - I know exactly what you mean about ambivalence. Stay levelheaded about the whole thing. Do what you need to do to protect yourself as you go through these early stages. Everyone told me "just be happy" but they just didn't understand. I'm not saying be neurotic or morose. I'm just saying that I understand the need to not get too too excited. I think I told you that with each of my pregnancies, I learned to think of the +hpt as just a sign that a process was beginning but that no real outcome was yet determined. That would not happen until Month 4. Just relax, do pampering and healthy things for yourself, and get the best medical care you can find. Good luck! My thoughts are with you.

    By Anonymous aliza @ babyfruit, at 3:52 pm  

  • Vivien I have just adored following you through your posts and was wishing for this for you!!! I am so happy for you... hang in there sweetie... :-) Congrats!

    By Blogger Dacia, at 5:26 pm  

  • Well, it's a good start. Hang in there. Having read Jon Cohen's book I'm now much more encouraged about the fate of those who've suffered miscarriage woes. I'm hoping that you've reached your limit now.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 11:34 am  

  • I totally understand your ambivalence. The beginning is a cocktail of fear & dread with tiny moments of joy in there too. Ive had 3 miscarriages & am just in the first few days of my fourth pregnancy & also extremely ambivalent so i totally understand. Take care of you, go day by day & do whatever you need to do to distract you from your insanity or to provide you with some relief from it all.....i hope we all get there.

    By Blogger Womb in Waiting, at 8:15 am  

  • Dear Vivien,

    never underestimate cats.

    As for your news: in every sense of the word, it is a beginning. I'm hopeful for you, and sending you all my supportive and co-anxious vibes across the Channel.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 9:43 am  

  • I did not mean to make you feel guilty with my last comment. It's only that I really wished something good for you... and it has! Try to take it one day at a time. Obession is understandable.

    By Blogger Murray, at 3:59 am  

  • ACK!!!! I totally missed this! I was reading your msot recent post thinking, Oh poor dear, she's gone mad. But, no, as always it was I who was insane.

    CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am going to keep everything crossed for you.

    By Anonymous Lola Badeggs, at 1:20 pm  

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