Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Friday, June 30, 2006

Just trying my best really.

Now is probably not a good time to be planning my next baby, is it? No, Vivien, that would be very silly.

But, do you know what?

Here's a choice:
I could be the woman who had 6 miscarriages, and gave up and never had a baby.

Or I could be the woman who had a baby (oh, and do you know, she had 6 miscarriages before she had her baby?)

Am I sounding mad yet?
It's just, what is the point of going through all this if I give up and NEVER have a baby?

Yes, I expect you are all right, and I should be grieving and taking some time off. I have no doubt it will hit me later – it certainly did before. But I am not sure you can choose the timing. If I sit home now and cry, will that stop it hitting me later? I doubt it.

And I am too afraid that if I get into that . . . how will I face getting pregnant again?

If it hurts too much to lose it, how can I keep putting myself through it?

I have to focus on getting the one that DOES survive.

I must be going mad, I am even thinking of IVF, and getting the little embryos scanned first. But I am running away with myself here.

I guess I need to start bleeding first. What do you think?

God this limbo is shit. I wonder if I am still clinging to the hope that the HCG was wrong and the next one will say 3000 or something and everyone will smile and say ‘wow, there’s a first – we told you stranger things have happened!’

Cuckoo.

I wonder if there’s an asylum I can check myself into.

Well it makes sense to me that I can’t grieve when I am not even bleeding. A theoretical baby followed by a theoretical miscarriage.

Lovely.

I’m scared. I wish it wouldn't happen.

16 Comments:

  • Oh, Vivien, I wish that this wasn't happening for you, either.

    If you can stand to keep trying for a baby, you are not crazy, and I say more power to you.

    Today, though, I am just so very sad that you are dealing with the pain of another miscarriage. I think that waiting for the bleeding is a nightmare.

    You're in my prayers.

    By Anonymous Jill, at 10:58 am  

  • Vivien, I am not even finished with this ectopic and I am planning the next move already. I know that for my own sanity, I need to have that to focus on. You do what you have to do to get through this.

    Thinking of you and your husband.

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 11:27 am  

  • Vivien,

    You're not crazy for planning the next baby. I did after I had my miscarriage. You cannot give up hope, as hope is what keeps us alive.

    By Anonymous KLH, at 1:18 pm  

  • It is rubbish, this whole situation. Six miscarriages is an injustice that the universe ought not to allow.

    Can you put some pressure on the doc to do an ERPC or D&C- the waiting is awful.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 1:49 pm  

  • Vivien--I can COMPLETELY relate to everything you are feeling. With this most recent loss, while I am devestated, I'm also more determined. I'm not giving up. I want to be pregnant again soon. Not right away, but soon. It may sound strange, but I know I can handle this miscarriage thing--I've done it 4 times, and I've made it. It hasn't been easy, but it has made me stronger. I may feel differently in the future (I may feel differently in 5 minutes). I'm just not ready to give up.

    I'm sending you lots of love and hugs.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 2:28 pm  

  • Vivein, I just started reading your blog. I'm devastated that this is happening to you again. The world is just so unfair. I admire your courage to want to move past this and continue to hope. When you finally do get that baby to hold in your arms (and you WILL) it will be all the more sweeter. Hang in there. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

    By Blogger Ella, at 3:23 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, not cuckoo at all. What you are thinking is what I would be thinking too, what I bet most of us would be thinking.

    At this point, anything that makes you feel in any way better or more in control is the right thing to do.

    Thinking of you all the time, my dear. This is so sad.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 3:56 pm  

  • I am sorry for your pain.

    I myself suffered 3 miscarriages in one year.

    I think you are a very strong woman, and while I know the bleeding is scary (more scary to me than the actual news of the miscarriage) you will be fine.

    Denise

    By Anonymous Denise, at 4:58 pm  

  • I think planning means you still have hope and that's a good thing. I don't know how you have managed to stay sane this whole time but you are and I think that shows how strong you are.

    By Blogger Murray, at 5:37 pm  

  • You are not crazy. The assistant pastor at my church had about 10 miscarriages and has two children. They could never tell her why but to keep trying if they could handle it.

    By Blogger Em, at 10:16 pm  

  • If I found it easier to get pregnant, I would probably be the same. It's really the infertility, rather than the miscarriages, which is leading us to think about adoption.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 11:40 pm  

  • Vivien, Your blog entries are so pure and raw with emotion. I can feel your tears burning right through my computer screen. I wish I had words to encourage, something to give you hope...but all I can truly offer you is my prayers. I pray you will find peace, I pray your shattered heart will slowly become glued together piece by peace, I pray you will receive the desires of your heart, I pray you will become a strength to others from your obvious heart ache.

    By Blogger running wildly, at 7:16 am  

  • Hi, Vivien. Thanks for popping over to my blog. Don't give up!!! You're not in menopause yet.

    I don't know much about your history or about medical care in Britain, but I know that the only reason I'm pg today is because I changed doctors. I wish I would have done it sooner - I may have been able to have a baby with my own eggs. Maybe a fresh look at what could be causing your miscarriages?

    By Blogger Sue, at 8:02 am  

  • Vivien, you are not crazy at all. The situation you are experiencing - that is crazy, that is insanity, cruel, unfair & deserving of protest!!!!! it is good you do not give up. In my journey so far-having lost 4 pregnancies, I have met a few heroic couples who persisted.One couple in particular - their story is incredible, she lost count of how many miscarriages she had, she started ivf at 37, had one child at 43 & another at 45. She spent over $300,000 & did over 27 cycles-& they got there & the main lesson or message I have gleaned from these heroic women is tenacity & perseverance.She has told me 'whenever i feel the need to give up, i have to try one more time' - i do believe if you persevere -you do get there. My chinese herbalist as well told me -out of all the difficut stories shes seen - when they persevere -only a very few do not get there - you will persevere & you will get there. Im thinking of you & pushing you up that hill when you need the push x

    By Blogger Womb in Waiting, at 9:15 am  

  • Vivien, I feel what you are going through. I'm currently going through my 6th miscarriage. I do have one child but really want another. I believe that if you can put up with the hell and the emotinal craziness of everything then it's worth it. I too haven't even finished this miscarriage and am already planning to get pregnant again. I wish you all the best!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:34 am  

  • Hello. Was reading your blog. I too have had six miscarriages but just recently had a baby (just 3 mos. agoWe too had gone through the adoption process through our state (Texas, We live in the U.S.). It wasn't working out and we were feeling so discouraged. We were approved to adopt but long
    story.....

    So I can identify with a lot of the emotions I've seen in your blog. Here's what finally worked for me after my 6 miscarriages:

    Gamma Globulin IV treatment sometimes called IVIg- once a month for 7 months. Sometimes given pre-conception. Very expensive not covered by U.S. insurance.

    Prednisone orally every other day.

    Heparin shots twice a day.

    Progesterone pills every 8 hours.

    Progesterone suppositories also every 8 hours.

    Baby aspirin once a day.

    Flinstone vitamins for iron twice a day. lol*

    So this is what worked for me and now I'm holding a baby boy. I wish you well either in your adoption (adoptive parents are heroes in my mind) or in having a biological child.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:44 am  

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