Just trying my best really.

Now is probably not a good time to be planning my next baby, is it? No, Vivien, that would be very silly.

But, do you know what?

Here's a choice:
I could be the woman who had 6 miscarriages, and gave up and never had a baby.

Or I could be the woman who had a baby (oh, and do you know, she had 6 miscarriages before she had her baby?)

Am I sounding mad yet?
It's just, what is the point of going through all this if I give up and NEVER have a baby?

Yes, I expect you are all right, and I should be grieving and taking some time off. I have no doubt it will hit me later – it certainly did before. But I am not sure you can choose the timing. If I sit home now and cry, will that stop it hitting me later? I doubt it.

And I am too afraid that if I get into that . . . how will I face getting pregnant again?

If it hurts too much to lose it, how can I keep putting myself through it?

I have to focus on getting the one that DOES survive.

I must be going mad, I am even thinking of IVF, and getting the little embryos scanned first. But I am running away with myself here.

I guess I need to start bleeding first. What do you think?

God this limbo is shit. I wonder if I am still clinging to the hope that the HCG was wrong and the next one will say 3000 or something and everyone will smile and say ‘wow, there’s a first – we told you stranger things have happened!’

Cuckoo.

I wonder if there’s an asylum I can check myself into.

Well it makes sense to me that I can’t grieve when I am not even bleeding. A theoretical baby followed by a theoretical miscarriage.

Lovely.

I’m scared. I wish it wouldn't happen.