Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Playing all my cards

I am being a bit evil. I am getting them all to run around me – well eventually.

I think I am 5w exactly today. I am not very good at this sort of thing because having this longish cycle (about 31 days normally) I am never quite sure when to start calculating from, but I can be pretty sure I ovulated on June 1st, and today is the 22nd. So, have I got that right?

I have the 1st scan scheduled, appointment now made for July 8th (yes, a Saturday) in a hospital in Wimbledon (yes – Ladies bloody Finals day – is this really happening?) with Dr X, whom I normally see in his Harley Street clinic. By my calculations I will be 7W3D by then. (I think a lack of heartbeat would be pretty conclusive.)

But then, obviously, I have worked myself up into a complete panic and have been throwing my toys around a bit to get the NHS to monitor me at least a bit, beforehand. The lovely Dr Nice at the hospital, for example. Surely he will help me?

So - there have been lots of rather stressed phone-calls (the doctors surgery told me to call back and speak to a doctor, the doctor told me to call the hospital; The hospital twice put me on hold so long the line went dead; when I finally spoke to Dr Nice’s secretary she coldly informed me he was away and said “have you discussed this with your midwife?”. That left me stuck for words for a moment or two. (What midwife. I haven’t ever got past 8 weeks. Are you trying to make me feel inadequate. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD ANYTHING I HAVE JUST TOLD YOU?

But another 2 calls this morning, and I have got there. I have scheduled a blood test for HCG levels for tomorrow morning at the hospital, then a follow-up one on Monday. Then on Thursday 28th June I have an appointment with Dr Nice at the hospital – a routine follow-up which was actually scheduled before Christmas. Bit of a coincidence really that I should finally see him now. Anyway, by Thursday he should have my HCG results, which I hope at least will say so far so good. Please?

OK, try a bit harder PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can these results say so far so good? None of this “within acceptable limits” rises in HCG that they tried to palm me off with the last time.

I really am a mess, and the word ‘rollercoaster’ never was more apposite. Tuesday I was a headcase, tears and edgy all day. Yesterday you would have thought I had won the lottery. Everyone’s best friend and life and soul of the party. Today I am doing Tuesday again.

This is just not in my control, is it?


  • your blog moved me to my very core. your honesty and candidness is incredible. Thank you.

    By Blogger running wildly, at 6:40 pm  

  • That's the kicker. You can't do anything about this except try to get yourself through it. Advocating for the treatment you want and the monitoring you need to be sane is what you need to do, and are doing. You're doing amazingly well, there are whole new levels of insanity that are possible here and you're managing to avoid them. Don't forget to breathe.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 6:50 pm  

  • Oh, Vivien, how I feel for you. It's so necessary to get reassurance along the way, when doctor's visits are so impossibly far apart. And how I hope everything turns out beautifully this time.

    The midwife thing made me cringe.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 7:19 pm  

  • Viv-you are doing EVERYthing in your control to help this one work out. but yes, it is mostly out of your control. Being an advocate for good care is essential. There are studies which suggest that recurrent miscarriers who get more care along the way have better outcomes. you are doing awesome. deep breaths. We are here for you.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 7:42 pm  

  • It's great that you were able to push for more monitoring. I hope you get nothing but good signs. Very good signs.

    By Anonymous pixi, at 8:13 pm  

  • This might sound crazy but have you ever heard of the book 'The Power of Now'. It talks about living in the moment. Unfortunately you can't control what is going to happen. All you can do is try to live in the 'now'. It's the only way to try and stop the obsessing and worrying. I have anxiety and this book has really helped me. When I'm totally freaked out and worrying myself into a panic I read this book. Easier said than done but maybe worth a try. I really hope you get good news.

    By Blogger Murray, at 9:29 pm  

  • So very proud of you on not giving up and getting those doctors to finally give you that care that you need. Especially after all you have been through.
    You will have a heartbeat at your scan and it will be beautiful!
    Since I am a jinx, I will just make a note on my calendar to check back on you in a couple weeks. Good luck and know that I am thinking of you everyday but will not burden you with my incredibly shit luck.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 9:39 pm  

  • I really feel for you... that completely out of control feeling.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 10:49 am  

  • This time is so stressful. I'm hoping that your numbers are excellent, and provide some much-needed reassurance. I remember feeling so anxious while waiting for my numbers, it was nearly unbearable. I was a frantic, emotional mess, and I couldn't do anything except pace the floors and cry. Keep breathing, my dear.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 6:20 pm  

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