Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, June 29, 2006

It isn’t really happening (or – “la la la la – I can’t hear you”)

Well, let’s try this.

With HCG levels so pathetically low, I can hardly claim to have been pregnant, can I?
I don’t want to go through some big emotional trauma over this.

There was no BABY. No point behaving as though it was a BABY. That would just be silly and sentimental of me.

I want it finished and behind me.

I don’t want to bleed. Blood is too real.

Certain thoughts keep coming back. . .


Why didn’t I meet R years ago? Why was I already 38 when I met him? Why do I have to be 43 on Thursday? I have never looked forward to a birthday with more dread.

I gave up smoking over 10 years ago. Smoking is disgusting I can’t believe I did it so long. Perhaps that screwed all my eggs.


Why could my mum have 2 children in her 40s and I can't?

What if I can never have a baby?


I just don't know what to do.

15 Comments:

  • Dear Vivien, I wish I -- I wish anyone -- had answers for you. I wish there were something that would makes things better, some angle that would make this easier to bear.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 10:31 am  

  • There is nothing any of us can say that can really help. We are here for you, we are all here.

    Having said that, my MIL wrote me a lovely note after the miscarriage, telling me about her 2 miscarriages, and saying that no matter how early it was, to her those had been potential babies, and she thought it was important to mourn as if they had existed. That, like when an older person dies, it's awful and you miss them like crazy, and then over time you just miss them. Don't let yourself feel that you didn't potentially have a baby. You did.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 11:44 am  

  • vivien, im so sorry. Im over here having my protest on your behalf -it isnt ok, its unacceptable, why cant vivien be pregnant, so what if shes in her 40s so was her mum & for that matter my mum & that was yrs ago, ....somebody do something - or else!!!!! I hope the universe responds to the protests. I am thinking of you & so understand your what ifs..... I wish for you, you can be yourself for as long as you need & not have to perform or pretend to be ok abt this. I hope you are supported & Im thinking of you.

    By Blogger Womb in Waiting, at 1:00 pm  

  • Hi,

    I just stumbled across your post!I am very sorry and I wish there was a magic spell that would make all of this dissappear!

    I too am in the process of miscarrying. My 6/22 beta was 88 and I am waiting for results from yesterday's beta. Doctor's are not hopeful and I too have no hope!

    Hope is cruel!

    By Anonymous Shai, at 1:33 pm  

  • Oh, Vivien, I wish I had something to say that could make this all go away. I am just so incredibly sorry for you, and I feel like I am right in the middle of the hopelessness and anger that I heard in your post. It is such a dark and painful place to be. Know that I am thinking of you, and sending you lots of love

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 1:45 pm  

  • Vivien, I am so very sorry that you are having to go through another loss. Even though your beta levels were low, you were pregnant, and it's not silly or sentimental to grieve mightily if that is what you need to do.

    Words are not adequate at a time like this. I hope that it is some comfort to know that others care and that you're not alone. My heart is heavy for you, and you're in my prayers.

    By Anonymous Jill, at 1:53 pm  

  • Vivien,

    Again I am so sorry that this happening, but you must NOT give up. 43 is still young, you MUST believe that. I have faith that you will have a baby someday. You're in my thoughts today.

    By Anonymous KLH, at 2:30 pm  

  • I'm thinking of you. Wish we could all collectively wave a magic wand or something. It's SO NOT FAIR!

    I hope you get lots of time off so that you can at least grieve in private for a little while.

    By Blogger Murray, at 5:51 pm  

  • "Lets try this" speaks volumes to me. I am still trying to deal with the last miscarriage (and the four prior to that). I don't know that there is any correct way to process it. I keep on trying on new attitudes and new outlooks - they all seem to last for a very limited amount of time. Then the sadness reaches out and grabs me and shakes me again.
    I tend to just go numb for a long, long time. Can't say that helps as a little bit of despair always seems to really hit me about a month or so after the m/c.
    I don't even begin to know where to put all the sadness. If you discover the answer, please let me know?
    I am sincerely hoping that you are more intelligent and insightful than me and so deal with all this crap much better.
    DinoD

    By Blogger DinosaurD, at 7:15 pm  

  • Oh my dear, I am so very sorry. I really am a jinx, I apologize.

    Know that I am here for you if you need me dear. Again, so very sorry.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 7:53 pm  

  • You had the hope of a baby, and you need to grieve that loss. Denying yourself that right, as I did with my first miscarriage, will only make the burden heavier to bear down the road.

    By Anonymous Lisa, at 11:30 pm  

  • so so sorry

    By Blogger elle, at 1:07 am  

  • You are not alone in this. I can't give you an answer, but I can tell you that there are plenty of us with the EXACT SAME fears and emotions and regrets and questions and what-ifs.

    And I don't know what you can do. Just stay afloat. We're here if you start to slip under.

    And again, I'm so sorry.

    By Blogger Lorem ipsum, at 3:40 am  

  • Dear Vivien, I am so so sorry. I know the pain and I know there is nothing I can say to ease it. I am sending you love.

    By Blogger sube, at 5:21 am  

  • Vivien--I think I found your site through Jill and I want to say I'm so sorry (I just had number 6 confirmed for me as well).

    I also wanted to offer that if there is any hcg at all, except in very rare forms of chorionic carcinoma, there was a nascent life that tried to implant in the lining of your womb. It is the only thing that will cause even a small rise in hcg.

    This, to many, is undeniably a life worth grieving. It was two forms of discrete genetic material that, miraculously, began to lose their individual identity and function as one unified organism.

    For me, the event itself, regardless of its long term viability is something that should be celebrated and consequently mourned.

    Don't put the burden of baby/not baby cultural politics on top of your very legitimate grief. Its too much for any of us to handle.

    Peace be with you.

    By Blogger Jennifer, at 10:50 pm  

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