Disclaimer - I am not responsible

I need to write this, but don't know if I can stay rational.
HCG on Friday was 88.
HCG on Monday was 76.
That's it then.

It was beautifully handled, though I suppose if they had just announced my results over a tannoy in the waiting room, it makes no fucking difference. No baby, baby.
A stupid f-ing registrar called me in. Let's call him Dr F/wit.
"Dr Nice is currently with another patient - he will be here soon. I thought I could just take some notes" (opens my file, clearly for the first time).
Me: "I just need my HCG results".
"Ah - your results - well . . . (reads out my LH and FSH results from tests in February. Starts telling me they look pretty good)
Me - "No, the blood tests I have just had done. HCG levels. (me now pointing at the pieces of paper across the desk - I can see them, just can't read them).
Dr F/wit: Ah these results?
Me "Yes (reading them myself and realising).
Dr F/wit: blah blah are you due to have a scan blah blah you can't read too much into these figures.
Me: Blank. Don't speak. Don't cry. Finally: I would like to see Dr Nice.
Dr F/wit: Yes, I will go and see if he's available. Scarpers.

2 or 3 minutes. R tries to find me a tissue. How did we forget that? Sobbing now that the fuckwit has left the room.

Enter Dr Nice with Nurse Really Kind and Dr F/wit loitering with the grace to look embarrassed. What an asshole. I always thought to study medicine you had to have a brain. Clearly some slip through the net.

More crap though. Why is it that they seem to want you to continue clinging onto a lost cause? I mean, really - this couldn't be much more conclusive. Have you EVER heard of HCG levels FALLING and then a normal pregnancy outcome? Well HAVE YOU FUCK?

Dr Nice:
Blah blah blood tests blah blah clinic next week blah blah confirm this is what's happening blah blah let's not rush to interfere with a D&C blah see if it just happens naturally blah fucking blah.

Me: Yes, but we know (sob) what is (sob)happening. And I (sob) really don't want (sob) to bleed for 4 weeks (sob) again like the last time.

Dr Nice: we-ell, let's wait to be sure. Stranger things have happened.

Me. Blank. Sob. What a load of crap. I am NOT going to be talked into believing this. It would be easy and lovely but pointless and ultimately even more painful.

We have scheduled another blood test for Friday and a follow-up appointment on Tuesday. I think that's what happened, anyway.

So I drove home. Half an hour. Now and then I stopped crying.
Now I am having a glass of wine.
I am stopping all this STUPID FUCKING MEDICATION. THERE IS NO POINT.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
I AM FEELING COMPLETELY SHIT AND I WISH I NEVER HAD TO GO TO WORK OR EVEN OUT OF THE HOUSE EVER AGAIN. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING OTHER PEOPLE MUST THINK I AM THE FUCKWIT TO KEEP TRYING IN THE FACE OF ALL THIS FAILURE? SHE WON'T HAVE A BABY. CAN'T SHE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL?

No, I am stupid. And old. And childless. Possibly forever. And I will stop now because I am crying too hard to type.

Thank you for listening.