Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Disclaimer - I am not responsible

I need to write this, but don't know if I can stay rational.
HCG on Friday was 88.
HCG on Monday was 76.
That's it then.

It was beautifully handled, though I suppose if they had just announced my results over a tannoy in the waiting room, it makes no fucking difference. No baby, baby.
A stupid f-ing registrar called me in. Let's call him Dr F/wit.
"Dr Nice is currently with another patient - he will be here soon. I thought I could just take some notes" (opens my file, clearly for the first time).
Me: "I just need my HCG results".
"Ah - your results - well . . . (reads out my LH and FSH results from tests in February. Starts telling me they look pretty good)
Me - "No, the blood tests I have just had done. HCG levels. (me now pointing at the pieces of paper across the desk - I can see them, just can't read them).
Dr F/wit: Ah these results?
Me "Yes (reading them myself and realising).
Dr F/wit: blah blah are you due to have a scan blah blah you can't read too much into these figures.
Me: Blank. Don't speak. Don't cry. Finally: I would like to see Dr Nice.
Dr F/wit: Yes, I will go and see if he's available. Scarpers.

2 or 3 minutes. R tries to find me a tissue. How did we forget that? Sobbing now that the fuckwit has left the room.

Enter Dr Nice with Nurse Really Kind and Dr F/wit loitering with the grace to look embarrassed. What an asshole. I always thought to study medicine you had to have a brain. Clearly some slip through the net.

More crap though. Why is it that they seem to want you to continue clinging onto a lost cause? I mean, really - this couldn't be much more conclusive. Have you EVER heard of HCG levels FALLING and then a normal pregnancy outcome? Well HAVE YOU FUCK?

Dr Nice:
Blah blah blood tests blah blah clinic next week blah blah confirm this is what's happening blah blah let's not rush to interfere with a D&C blah see if it just happens naturally blah fucking blah.

Me: Yes, but we know (sob) what is (sob)happening. And I (sob) really don't want (sob) to bleed for 4 weeks (sob) again like the last time.

Dr Nice: we-ell, let's wait to be sure. Stranger things have happened.

Me. Blank. Sob. What a load of crap. I am NOT going to be talked into believing this. It would be easy and lovely but pointless and ultimately even more painful.

We have scheduled another blood test for Friday and a follow-up appointment on Tuesday. I think that's what happened, anyway.

So I drove home. Half an hour. Now and then I stopped crying.
Now I am having a glass of wine.
I am stopping all this STUPID FUCKING MEDICATION. THERE IS NO POINT.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
I AM FEELING COMPLETELY SHIT AND I WISH I NEVER HAD TO GO TO WORK OR EVEN OUT OF THE HOUSE EVER AGAIN. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING OTHER PEOPLE MUST THINK I AM THE FUCKWIT TO KEEP TRYING IN THE FACE OF ALL THIS FAILURE? SHE WON'T HAVE A BABY. CAN'T SHE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL?

No, I am stupid. And old. And childless. Possibly forever. And I will stop now because I am crying too hard to type.

Thank you for listening.

26 Comments:

  • Oh God, Vivien, no. No. No. No.

    I'm so sorry, so very sorry. Sitting here crying for you, for what you have lost again.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 6:43 pm  

  • Reading this was utterly heartbreaking. This is my first time by your place, but I am devastated for you. I'll be thinking of you.

    By Anonymous Molly, at 7:26 pm  

  • I'm so sorry, I so know the feeling you are having. Just not fucking fair!

    By Anonymous KIMMER, at 7:33 pm  

  • Kath sent me over- I'm so very sorry for your loss and that life is so very cruel right now.

    By Anonymous Leggy, at 8:03 pm  

  • Vivien,

    I'm so sorry. I wish you heard better news. You're in my thoughts and prays.

    By Anonymous KLH, at 8:25 pm  

  • I'm so sorry.

    By Blogger Milenka, at 8:45 pm  

  • heartbreaking. you are NOT a fuckwit, and i'm appalled that your doctor wouldn't give you such important results, that it was left to an unkown.

    such a small number drop signifies so very very much.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    By Blogger moi, at 9:19 pm  

  • Oh, Vivien, I have been where you were today, trying not to completely lose the plot in the face of stupid doctors in training.

    My heart goes out to you and your husband. You are not stupid for trying to do this and your anger and grief are completely justified. I hope you can take some time off to deal with this and heal.

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 9:28 pm  

  • I'm so very sorry.

    By Blogger One Mother's Journey, at 9:30 pm  

  • OMG, I am so so sorry. Nothing sucks more. You are so NOT a fuckwit. You are lovely and deserve better. I wish I could help, but I know it's just so scary and maddening. You're in my thoughts, dear lady. Hang in there.

    By Blogger Anna, at 9:35 pm  

  • I'm so very sorry this is happening again. It's beyond unfair.

    By Blogger Bronwyn, at 9:38 pm  

  • Oh Vivien, I am so sorry. I haven't commented before this as who needs to be reminded of another recurrent miscarrier when they are hopefully going on to a successful pregnancy.
    I was so hopeful for you and yes, the idea of thinking you should still be hopeful after the results is absolutely ignorant - stupid drs.
    Our local miscarriage clinic told me this past winter that with 4 miscarriages behind me and at age 43, I should still "keep trying. There will be a good egg in there somewhere." If you're a f/wit, then so are they (hum, they are drs though so possibly, just possibly).
    You are NOT a f/wit, not even close.
    DinoD

    By Blogger DinosaurD, at 10:29 pm  

  • oh shit vanessa I can't believce this is happening to you again. How absolutely awful, and unjustified, and unfair, and shitty, and just rubbish. I'm so sorry.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 10:34 pm  

  • I'm so sorry for the grief that you and your husband are feeling. It's just NOT fucking FAIR!

    By Blogger Murray, at 11:41 pm  

  • I'm just so sorry... I've been where you are and it's a sad and angry place that I wish no one ever had to be.

    By Blogger Lisa, at 11:48 pm  

  • I am so sorry for your losses. It is not fair, not right, not at all. It is pure unadulterated crap. And for the doctors to treat you like that? Assholes. I am so sorry.

    By Blogger Nico, at 12:22 am  

  • How painful and horrible, I'm so sorry.

    And yeah, what is it that they want people to cling to hope no matter what? I think it's so they can try to make a getaway and hope it won't hit you until they're safely down the hall.

    By Anonymous Nancy, at 12:39 am  

  • I came via Kath's site and am so sorry to hear of your loss. I had 4 miscarriages within a couple of years and I know how devastating this time is. Wishing you peace and healing.

    By Blogger Karen, at 12:56 am  

  • oh vivian...no, no, no. I am so so so sorry.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 1:50 am  

  • I am so, so sorry, Vivien. This world has no sense of fairness.

    By Blogger DD, at 2:00 am  

  • I'm so very, very, sorry.

    (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

    By Blogger Lorem ipsum, at 2:20 am  

  • Came via Kath and don't know what to say. I am so, so sorry. And it is our absolute right to refuse to bleed for 4 weeks, if you do not wish it. Enough.

    By Blogger The Lioness, at 2:27 am  

  • .I really am sorry.

    By Blogger Meg, at 2:49 am  

  • Vivien - I am so sorry. Kath sent me over here, too. Being a 42 year old recurrent miscarrier myself, I know exactly how you feel. It's just the shits.

    By Blogger Sue, at 4:02 am  

  • Oh, Vivien, NO. This can't be happening. My heart is breaking for you, tears in my eyes. And on top of it to have to deal with that awful doctor. I'm just so sorry. You will be in my every thought.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 1:42 pm  

  • I am so very sorry... My tears running down.. and wishing this wasn't the case.

    By Blogger Sami, at 4:09 am  

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