43 or . . . “it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to”

I was trying not to be depressed – after all it’s just another day, really, and I am only a day older than I was yesterday. And as I always so cheerily say to people who grumble about being old (usually they are in their 20’s) ‘in 10 years time you will be amazed you were ever this young’. Yep, when I am 53 I will be amazed I was ever this young, but I am horrified to be just 10 years away from 53. OMG. Really, what happened?

So I drove to work trying to be upbeat (yes, today I am in the office – in a paranoid moment I thought they would think I was skiving if I chose to work from home on my birthday) – anyway, as I drove to work they played Bob Dylan ‘ She belongs to me’ on the radio, and I burst into tears.

http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/belongs.html - here are the lyrics, in case you want them. “She never stumbles, she’s got no place to fall”. Oh dear, Bob Dylan is truly the greatest songwriter.

But life goes on. I stumble along.

Yesterday was my Canadian SIL’s 40th birthday and the four of us went out to dinner. Fabulous food, and a really enjoyable evening – very rare for R and his brother to go out together, but we all had such a good time I think we will do it again. My SIL has a 7-year-old son who is ‘in the autistic spectrum’ – so hard work, but they adore him. In slightly drunken state at the end of the evening when she and I were alone, she told me they have been trying to get pregnant again for 4 years. No reason diagnosed for the lack of success – tubes were thought blocked, then told they are just ‘quite convoluted’ which sounds a bit strange to me. They suggested she had maybe had some kind of infection, and she clearly thinks they were insinuating that she had caught something from someone other than her husband. She started (very unnecessarily) assuring me that this simply couldn’t be the case. It also turns out that she sees the same consultant (Dr Nice) as me! How funny – I wonder if he has made the connection! The Hopeless Infertile Family. I told her about the 6th miscarriage. It was a relief to tell her. She was very nice about it and didn’t say anything stupid at all.

So that was all good really.

Then there was The Hospital Appointment yesterday.
What a shambles.
First, as I was in SUCH a state last Weds, I didn’t take in the date for the new appointment – it just got written on the card. It actually said 3 July, but it looked JUST LIKE 5 July – so clever me turned up on the wrong day. I was prepared to go away, but the receptionist was really rude and asked me to wait and the waiting area was rammed full of women with enormous bumps and I went to sit down, and ended up crying again. It took lots of very sympathetic nurses to track down Dr Nice – in Theatre, but said he would see me anyway when he came out. Nearly 2 hours later I got my meeting.

So here in summary:

hCG now at 27.

• No point doing D&C, as would be v unlikely to be able to get enough tissue for analysis and unless bleeding is prolonged. . . I don’t think it will be this time, to be honest. I can put up with 10 days or 2 weeks or so. As long as it is over before I go on holiday.
• IVF – I asked about whether it would be worth my while considering IVF with PGD – he thinks not, as is really only useful if we knew that my miscarriages are due to a particular genetic or chromosomal problem and it is not really possible to just screen for ‘normal’ embryos. No, of course, that made sense.
• MTHFR – I was a bit disconcerted to find he didn’t seem to know what I was talking about with this one. Then he seemed to catch on, and we discussed getting high dose folic acid – he said that he would prescribe me this if I wanted it anyway, without any tests, as he was happy it wouldn’t do me any harm.
• He is very sceptical about my Harley Street doctor’s 80% claim. So am I really – I never had the results from his clinic to back it up. He definitely thinks I should NOT take any higher a dose of steroids than I have been prescribed so far.
• Vitamins – possibly selenium may help. Can’t harm, so take them too.
• Acupuncture (I wanted his view on this) – definitely helps some people with some complaints, so may be worth trying – highly unlikely to do any harm and certainly safer to try this than do more steroids. (He isn’t keen on steroids! I don’t blame him, but I really had to try, and will almost certainly give it one more go.)
  
  In essence we are no closer to finding a reason or a cure for my RPL than we were 2 years ago, or whenever the hell I started seeing the quacks. He clearly doesn't think there is any intervention which will work, but understands my need to 'leave no stone unturned'. When I finally give up, I need to believe I tried everything.
  
  Where does this leave me?
  
  More than three years older than when I started trying for a baby, and finally facing – or at least beginning to think - the unthinkable.
  
  It could be never.
  
  So, what shall I have for birthday tea?