Rambling my way through a post.

I went skiing last week, hence no posts for a while. With a bit more time to think, I tried to sort out my head, because the miscarriage thing and the longing for my baby has become so dominant in my head that I can't remember what is really important sometimes.
I don't mean that the baby isn't important, but IT ISN'T THERE and I don't want to be living in a world where I just think of what I haven't got. I never could stand that in other people, and I certainly don't want to be there myself.
It has been very distracting though, and I had a long and horrible meeting with my manager on Tuesday to be told that I was not really working very well. Other people had mentioned things. All a bit vague, and nobody wants to say anything because no-one wants to see me upset (oh please) but of course the most upsetting thing was that either she had solicited these comments, or my colleagues had gone to her of their own accord to make them. Neither is very uplifting to the spirits. I was floored, really. Flawed I guess, (ha ha).
Did I understand their concerns? Did I think it fair? No, I bloody well didn't. I was furious and devastated. Both at the same time. So what did I do, do you think? Nothing I can be proud of, I started to try and explain and ended up crying so hard she had to go and find me tissues. How pathetic. Oh god, how I hate it when I am so weepy, and I had been for the whole week away skiing too, so I tried to explain, and it always comes out as pathetic and pointless when you are in such a mess. And of course she was embarrassed and suggested I went away 'to think' and that we meet again soon.
I managed to joke, why couldn't people just come and talk to me if there were a problem, why should they think it would upset me. I am not sure she thought I was very funny though, I'd embarrassed her by being upset. What did she expect?

But that wasn't really the point of this post. I want to say that I need to get my own life back and I spent time (while I sat in a mountain restaurant because my ski-boots were hurting so much I just couldn't ski anymore - I have never found boots to fit me properly) thinking and just trying to answer the question:

Baby aside, what do I really want?

How hard should that be to answer?
I must have been very distracted these past 2 years.

Starting with the real basics, I want to be with my husband, I love him completely. He is absolutely the best man I have ever met. And I love where we live.

So we get to job.
I do like my job, but I think I might just need some real time out. I can't deny the thought of maternity leave is SO attractive. Just to break the routine. Do something different and fulfilling. I have been in this company for just over 6 years, which is by far and away a record for me. The job is great and worthwhile, the company incredibly friendly and easy. Pay's not best and there are always things that you could improve, but I really can't complain, especially when I talk to friends who work for idiot bosses or huge, stupid organisations who have lost touch with common sense.
So do I want to leave or work part time? Would I miss the social aspects of coming to work? Do I need the routine? How would we manage with less money? Or could I find alternatives that would make me happier? How bad does it all have to get before I move on? Or is it really not that bad at all, but the shadow my 'personal life' is casting across my working life is making my working life much harder too.

I DO seem distracted.
Actually I think I am depressed.
It wouldn't be such a huge surprise after all.

I have lost my focus, it's true, and I am really struggling to find a way back to me.

Not Pregnant. Of course.

Lots to catch up with, and yet somehow nothing to say either. I have been posting a bit on other people's blogs, but can't think what to say here.

I have just the ‘one pink line’ on a HPT this morning, and am not even really trying not to be miserable about it. We did everything right, but I didn’t conceive, and that’s the way it goes. Last year I went about 6 cycles without conceiving, which probably sounds like not too bad really, except if you start adding up all the time that is passing. 6 months, then a miscarriage, let all that clear and start over. Why do I carry on with it? My last miscarriage was October and I am only now on my first really ‘normal’ cycle. The medics are generally pessimistic - Dr Scary Hair went to great lengths to put me off the whole idea that I might actually one day succeed in this unnatural pursuit of a baby. At best she gives me a 20% chance of conceiving then a 40% chance of keeping it. Thanks. Nice to have your spirits buoyed up that way.

Even my consultant has mentioned the option of a puppy. And my GP that I should think about adoption. (Not an option, really, UK adoption seems to be a complete headfk. And at my age I think they would just laugh. )

But I don't feel too old for children. This age thing is so random - I know people 10 years younger than me who are much older in so many ways - including physically. Why does my age seem to matter all of a sudden?

Bizarrely a little bit of me is hanging on to the ‘HPT might still be wrong’ theory. (It was one of the early ones, because my cycle is long). I don’t really know why – I don’t even FEEL pregnant, except for craving protein, and being generally very hungry, but that is bound to be the steroids. Just a bit more of a mess-up for my system. Move on to next month. . . how tiring. But I have always been impatient.

You know what – I just feel really sad and defeated, and I don’t think I am up to writing much more here tonight.