Not Pregnant. Of course.

Lots to catch up with, and yet somehow nothing to say either. I have been posting a bit on other people's blogs, but can't think what to say here.

I have just the ‘one pink line’ on a HPT this morning, and am not even really trying not to be miserable about it. We did everything right, but I didn’t conceive, and that’s the way it goes. Last year I went about 6 cycles without conceiving, which probably sounds like not too bad really, except if you start adding up all the time that is passing. 6 months, then a miscarriage, let all that clear and start over. Why do I carry on with it? My last miscarriage was October and I am only now on my first really ‘normal’ cycle. The medics are generally pessimistic - Dr Scary Hair went to great lengths to put me off the whole idea that I might actually one day succeed in this unnatural pursuit of a baby. At best she gives me a 20% chance of conceiving then a 40% chance of keeping it. Thanks. Nice to have your spirits buoyed up that way.

Even my consultant has mentioned the option of a puppy. And my GP that I should think about adoption. (Not an option, really, UK adoption seems to be a complete headfk. And at my age I think they would just laugh. )

But I don't feel too old for children. This age thing is so random - I know people 10 years younger than me who are much older in so many ways - including physically. Why does my age seem to matter all of a sudden?

Bizarrely a little bit of me is hanging on to the ‘HPT might still be wrong’ theory. (It was one of the early ones, because my cycle is long). I don’t really know why – I don’t even FEEL pregnant, except for craving protein, and being generally very hungry, but that is bound to be the steroids. Just a bit more of a mess-up for my system. Move on to next month. . . how tiring. But I have always been impatient.

You know what – I just feel really sad and defeated, and I don’t think I am up to writing much more here tonight.