Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Not Pregnant. Of course.

Lots to catch up with, and yet somehow nothing to say either. I have been posting a bit on other people's blogs, but can't think what to say here.

I have just the ‘one pink line’ on a HPT this morning, and am not even really trying not to be miserable about it. We did everything right, but I didn’t conceive, and that’s the way it goes. Last year I went about 6 cycles without conceiving, which probably sounds like not too bad really, except if you start adding up all the time that is passing. 6 months, then a miscarriage, let all that clear and start over. Why do I carry on with it? My last miscarriage was October and I am only now on my first really ‘normal’ cycle. The medics are generally pessimistic - Dr Scary Hair went to great lengths to put me off the whole idea that I might actually one day succeed in this unnatural pursuit of a baby. At best she gives me a 20% chance of conceiving then a 40% chance of keeping it. Thanks. Nice to have your spirits buoyed up that way.

Even my consultant has mentioned the option of a puppy. And my GP that I should think about adoption. (Not an option, really, UK adoption seems to be a complete headfk. And at my age I think they would just laugh. )


But I don't feel too old for children. This age thing is so random - I know people 10 years younger than me who are much older in so many ways - including physically. Why does my age seem to matter all of a sudden?

Bizarrely a little bit of me is hanging on to the ‘HPT might still be wrong’ theory. (It was one of the early ones, because my cycle is long). I don’t really know why – I don’t even FEEL pregnant, except for craving protein, and being generally very hungry, but that is bound to be the steroids. Just a bit more of a mess-up for my system. Move on to next month. . . how tiring. But I have always been impatient.

You know what – I just feel really sad and defeated, and I don’t think I am up to writing much more here tonight.

5 Comments:

  • Don't give up hope. At this point when the doctors are being dorks, hope is the one thing they can't take away from you, as much as they appear to be trying.

    This is a new year and you said you have long cycles. There is still hope. I am still clinging to that thin line of hope that it will happen for me too.

    Wishing you Luck, Love and a big fat baby soon.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 8:47 pm  

  • I was about to post something about this hoping every cycle, and you have more evidence than I do to hope given as how you have actually got pregnant before now and all. And I haven't. Ever. Keep hoping, there is nothing wrong with that.

    Would you consider IVF so that you could do PGD?

    By Blogger Thalia, at 11:09 pm  

  • Hope is hard...

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 9:32 am  

  • Hi there. Found your blog through Shanna's. Nice to see a fellow UK-dweller. I'm in Oxfordshire.

    Sorry about the negative test and about the crap in general. (I can't believe your GP suggested a puppy...jeez!). You're not alone.

    By Blogger Lola, at 12:29 pm  

  • hi, found your blog through lola's. i hate the hope too. so tiring. after 3 MCs hope seems so, well, hopeless.

    i have a dog, it does not help.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 7:29 pm  

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