Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The start of my pattern in blood

Number 1 - I had a positive pregnancy test for the first time in November 2003. We had been 'trying' for a while - since June / July sort of time, but to be honest we hadn't been obsessive - no ovulation tests, no giving up all alcohol etc.
I had to go on a pre-arranged work trip to New Hampshire, USA - it should have been so much fun, but . . . Thanksgiving Day as I walked back down the road from the hotel where we had managed to get a meal I felt a gush of blood, and I knew all was not well. It was very lonely - I was there with my manager, and couldn't tell her what was going on. All I could think was she would judge me for wanting to have a baby and it would make her angry somehow.
I didn't call home - as it happened R was in California by complete weird coincidence he had been invited to take part in a special international episode of Scrapheap Challenge. There was no way to contact him anyway. So I tried to just pretend nothing was happening. What else? It wasn't until I got back and saw my GP I discovered that this was 'normal' and there would be no treatment or investigation until I had at least 3 miscarriages - a pattern.
Did I know then already? I don't think so, I think I did believe it would be OK the next time. I think I thought it was the glass of wine I had had with that thanksgiving meal, or the effect of the long flight from London or something else I could have NOT done.
But I was very sad about it, and lonely because though I hadn't given it much thought at the time, miscarriage really is one of the last great taboos. There must still be lots, I guess, but no-one talks about this. And as no-one talks about it, it is all the more difficult to know what to say to someone when they do want to talk about it.
Number 2 was undramatic, I'll save it for another day.

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