After the fifth

I must say reading other people's blogs has helped me so much, at times when I just couldn't speak, not to friends for fear of boring them / upsetting them / upsetting me. Now to put my own feelings, experiences, trivial thoughts out there too. Welcome to my blog.

My mum had me at 42, I was her fifth, eight years younger than the fourth, but there's a sixth, I have a younger sister too. 2 years younger. So though I didn't start till 39 I never really felt that panic that so many 30-somethings seem to get. I always wanted it to be right - I didn't really consider a baby with no dad, no family to love it. I don't think I really properly considered that I might be one of the 1% of the population who suffers from RPL. Recurrent pregnancy loss.

I had a bit of a manic moment last night and threw my electric toothbrush across the room in childish rage at having to be alone again (my friend who was supposed to be visiting had got sick and called to say she couldn't make it, though she has since called and said she is well enough after all). Anyway, poor R. (husband, and really the best anyone could wish for) felt v guilty and will be back by 8pm tomorrow night. I feel bad, but I am glad. Now I need to buy a new toothbrush.

It has been quite hard being on my own with this fifth miscarriage. I want a life back that doesn't revolve around the quest to get pregnant and stay pregnant and the rollercoaster of hope and despair. All those damn hormones don't help at all. The good news? I finally stopped bleeding, and I have a 28 day supply of steroid for when my next cycle starts. I had to practically beg for them, and it has taken a year to get from referral to consultant to here. And 2 more miscarriages including the AWFUL number four.

For once I should try to avoid pregnancy this month pressure's off at last. Another glass of wine please!