Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Sunday, November 20, 2005

In limbo

The strange thing is, I really do want to just be happy and have a bit of a normal interlude. I feel in complete limbo. Waiting for the start of my next cycle, which is slow coming as this bloody loss is dragging bloodily on and on. I am beginning to wonder when things will ever feel normal again.

At the beginning we wanted a baby, but it wasn’t an obsession. These continual emotional upheavals. Poor R. He is such a hugely loving, caring wonderful support, but I do know it does upset him too. What have we become? We have to have a life outside of this nearly-pregnant-nearly-losing-it-again world.

I keep thinking – this is a miscarriage; it is awful; but I haven’t got cancer. I am in a really, really happy relationship with a wonderful husband and very often that IS enough. On Saturday morning I got up and I was really cheerful – just making breakfast, feeding the chickens, cuddling the cats, that sort of thing. But by the evening I was feeling – well – just flat flat flat.

Other people have real problems – I know a family whose 30+ year old daughter is disabled, her father has just had a multiple heart bypass and now has an anurism which he has to WAIT to get operated. His poor wife is beside herself with worry. And another member of the same family died in her 20's after a heart and lung transplant after suffering from (oh help – can’t remember the illness, but it’s when your lungs fill with fluid. Begins with P I think.)

Then there's the colleague of mine whose father has possibly got his cancer back after 2 years, whose childhood friend just committed suicide . . .

And *****who told me she was raped, by the man who lived in the flat above but the police said even if she got to trial it was highly unlikely she would get a conviction and I never really knew what to do, and she is still so unhappy with her life . . .

So what am I trying to say? I think I just want to get out of my limbo and start getting some joy back in my life. Try and be properly happy whenever I can - life is too short to spend all this time on all this grief. I want to move on


I really don’t want to obsess anymore, and yet I know how impossible this all is, and what crap so many of us are going through. I am in tears reading April, Thalia (and more) and hoping so hard for Aliza and Cat.

I really do want a baby. (Not just one baby – actually I would like two, if only because I am 42 and an only child might find me and R a bit of an onerous responsibility on his/her own as we got older). But I want to put my energy and love into a child, people say R and I would make such good parents, and I know they actually mean it. R says he’s not a quitter and neither am I (he says!).


I want to get on with trying again.
I guess I will find out if I am strong enough. But perhaps I'm really not a quitter.

3 Comments:

  • Is there a doctor you can see to find out why you've been miscarrying? I guess I am hoping that this problem has a solution. I say try for as long as you feel it's worthwhile.

    I'm so sorry to hear of the tregedies of those you know. There will always be people worse off than you, but that doesn't invalidate what you're going through. It's still a loss and you'll have to morn it first before you can move on. And move on you will, just like Marlin in Finding Nemo: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

    By Blogger Anna, at 11:09 pm  

  • One of the neverending battles I face in all walks of my own life is comparing myself to others. "I should be happy since things aren't as bad for as me for so-and-so," and "How can I complain about not having enough time. If I had kids like everyone else, then I REALLY wouldn't have time."

    On the other hand, as a cancer survivor I sometimes can play the self-pity card pretty heavily. When I saw a counselor after my miscarriage two weeks ago and told her all the stresses in my family over the past 3 years she was impressed.

    But what I"m getting from this, is that comparing doesn't help much and in fact just leads to either great guilt or greater self-pity.

    So what tool can we use instead to help us feel less crappy or in fact to allow us to feel crappy. I don't know yet.

    By Blogger Warriorwen, at 11:34 pm  

  • Vivien I'm so sorry for all you've been through, and that the doctors are being so unhelpful. It's astonishing that you haven't been referred to a specialty clinic by now. I do hope you get some answers or some progress soon.

    And thank you for the thoughts about me!

    By Blogger Thalia, at 3:16 pm  

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