In limbo

The strange thing is, I really do want to just be happy and have a bit of a normal interlude. I feel in complete limbo. Waiting for the start of my next cycle, which is slow coming as this bloody loss is dragging bloodily on and on. I am beginning to wonder when things will ever feel normal again.

At the beginning we wanted a baby, but it wasn’t an obsession. These continual emotional upheavals. Poor R. He is such a hugely loving, caring wonderful support, but I do know it does upset him too. What have we become? We have to have a life outside of this nearly-pregnant-nearly-losing-it-again world.

I keep thinking – this is a miscarriage; it is awful; but I haven’t got cancer. I am in a really, really happy relationship with a wonderful husband and very often that IS enough. On Saturday morning I got up and I was really cheerful – just making breakfast, feeding the chickens, cuddling the cats, that sort of thing. But by the evening I was feeling – well – just flat flat flat.

Other people have real problems – I know a family whose 30+ year old daughter is disabled, her father has just had a multiple heart bypass and now has an anurism which he has to WAIT to get operated. His poor wife is beside herself with worry. And another member of the same family died in her 20's after a heart and lung transplant after suffering from (oh help – can’t remember the illness, but it’s when your lungs fill with fluid. Begins with P I think.)

Then there's the colleague of mine whose father has possibly got his cancer back after 2 years, whose childhood friend just committed suicide . . .

And *****who told me she was raped, by the man who lived in the flat above but the police said even if she got to trial it was highly unlikely she would get a conviction and I never really knew what to do, and she is still so unhappy with her life . . .

So what am I trying to say? I think I just want to get out of my limbo and start getting some joy back in my life. Try and be properly happy whenever I can - life is too short to spend all this time on all this grief. I want to move on

I really don’t want to obsess anymore, and yet I know how impossible this all is, and what crap so many of us are going through. I am in tears reading April, Thalia (and more) and hoping so hard for Aliza and Cat.

I really do want a baby. (Not just one baby – actually I would like two, if only because I am 42 and an only child might find me and R a bit of an onerous responsibility on his/her own as we got older). But I want to put my energy and love into a child, people say R and I would make such good parents, and I know they actually mean it. R says he’s not a quitter and neither am I (he says!).

I want to get on with trying again.
I guess I will find out if I am strong enough. But perhaps I'm really not a quitter.