Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The miscarriage thought police

I have one of those books you can predict your due date from, just from LMP. And EVERY time I couldn’t resist, even when I got to the stage where I had to think IF this one is OK. . . This last time my due date was around my husband’s 40th in the month before my next birthday.. How perfect would that have been? Yes it was so exciting. I am sure I can't be the only one who does this.

I know what it’s like to find out you are pregnant and to have that mixture of all sorts of feelings. Mostly I am just excited, and now I tend to wonder how long before I start to spot. But I do also get a fair dose of panic – am I doing the right thing? Am I really sure I want to change my life in this way? Knowing (or thinking that you know) that finally this is it.

My fifth pregnancy, (had it made it), would have scuppered our plans to walk for 10 days in the Alps to celebrate R’s 40th. We might have had to cancel our flights to go skiing in January.

Did I wish away my babies by thinking they might be a bit inconvenient? Of course I know I didn’t, but it’s hard to be honest about these things that go through your mind.

It doesn’t really make any difference, they melted away inside my angry acid womb anyway, and no amount of crying has brought them back.

PS. The miscarriage thought police are out there, do be careful what you wish for!


  • Oh, sadly I know what you mean. While I was resting after my first IVF transfer, we had calculated when the due date would be - November 16th, which would be a late scorpio. I was a little worried, as my mom is a scorpio and we have a dreadful relationship. Oddly, all the male scorpios I know are really great. So I was a little apprehensive. The first beta came back at 45, then two days later was down to 26. I felt terribly guilty for having had those thoughts.

    I'm so sorry this has been such a rough road for you and R. Please hang in there. You are strong; you're strong enough to admit that you don't always feel up to it and that take a big person. I'll be here.

    By Blogger Anna, at 8:44 pm  

  • I've worried about this as well.

    I think it's only natural (although unfortunate) to second guess yourself when something so intimately connected goes awry.

    I am so sorry for your pain.

    By Blogger April, at 9:02 pm  

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