Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Crying in my lunch break.

I mentioned R and I recently went to the States on holiday – R has relatives in Albuquerque and we stayed there with various excursions around the general area, including hiking into the Grand Canyon. I think I got pregnant at the bottom of the GC – how cool is that!

On our return journey we had about 5 hours to wait in Denver. I bought More magazine, (with a picture of Jodie Foster on the front). I don’t think I really twigged that it was aimed at the over-40’s (I don’t think there is anything really like that over here), but it seemed to have some interesting articles. Something for the plane.

I read an article which gave a brief synopsis of Aliza’s babyfruit blog, and was immediately interested in someone writing about their miscarriage experiences online. Wow. This was new to me.

I got back to the UK, and discovered very soon after that I was pregnant, and logging on to Aliza, found she was too. Bizarrely, we were both at 5 weeks of our 5th pregnancies, both with 4 miscarriages behind us. It did seem like a bit of a sign, if you believe in that sort of thing. I was hooked in already.

As I explained in my last post, I wasn’t confident about my pregnancy, but underwent a whole raft of ‘treatment’ that I had not experienced before. Progesterone pessaries, steroid tablets, weekly HCG and progesterone level testing and scans. Aliza was going through similar, though for steroid read Lovenox. She was also not optimistic.

Why all this? I have been keeping up with Aliza of course, I think she is fab, and am so happy to have found her, and the whole online infertiles thing. You probably know already, she is just at the end of her first trimester. I am really happy for her. But it is definitely completely possible to be completely happy for someone else, and simultaneously pathetically sorry for oneself. Maybe today I was really tired and therefore more prone to tearfulness (does this happen to anyone else?) It just hit me so hard and out of the blue. I went to lunch, and cried and cried all over again for my lost first trimester, my lost baby. Fuck it all. My FIFTH lost baby.

My parents are coming to stay with us for Christmas. They are both 84 (yes, mum was 42 when she had me). I had, of course, in the short time that I stayed pregnant realised that I would be just into my 2nd trimester for Christmas and could tell them while they were here. And R’s parents too. I was going to make everyone’s Christmas happy. (Oh god, I’m crying again, when does it stop?) R’s mum is so dying for us to have kids we had to tell her about all this crap in the end to stop her keep dropping brick-sized hints, and telling us about how every woman in the area seems to be dropping another sprog (and when would we ever get around to it).

I just don’t feel strong at all. I cope, but what is that? I never did know.

It should be me telling my friends, telling my family. But it’s not. Again.

I am just sitting waiting for my next cycle so that I can start my steroid treatment. Might not work even.

Oh – and it’s the company Christmas party tomorrow night. Can’t bloody wait.


  • Vivien I'm sorry. It's so hard. But pls don't beat yourself up for feeling so sad. You're having a horrible time, it's ok to be sad. There are days when I can't read the pregnant blogs, no matter what they've been through to get there. And there are days when I can, when they give me hope.

    I hope the christmas party was bearable. I'm bailing from mine!

    By Blogger Thalia, at 7:06 am  

  • It is possible to be happy for someone and equally sad for yourself. They can exist in the same space and it's certainly ok for you to mourn and heal. It is important to feel free to feel period whatever comes up. There are days I still cannot read pregger blogs as well even though I've crossed over so to speak.

    Wishing you some peace and healing.

    By Blogger cat, at 7:21 pm  

  • I'm so sorry things have been absolute crap for you. Greiving and healing takes time - don't rush it. You'll feel better when you do, on your own schedule, even if you don't know what your schedule is. Hope the office party went okay and that you had a lovely weekend. I'll check back in for updates. Be well and be good to yourself.

    By Blogger Anna, at 3:59 pm  

  • I didn't know you started a blog - I'm so glad! I totally know what you mean about being happy for someone and sad for yourself - but when I was in a similar situation during miscarriages 1, 2, 3 and 4, I was also angry. And it seemed suddenly every woman in town was pregnant. The mind does all sorts of acrobatics to deal with our emotions and grief. I'm here for you, cheering you on as you look to better treatments and succes!

    By Blogger Aliza, at 5:17 am  

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