Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Rambling my way through a post.

I went skiing last week, hence no posts for a while. With a bit more time to think, I tried to sort out my head, because the miscarriage thing and the longing for my baby has become so dominant in my head that I can't remember what is really important sometimes.
I don't mean that the baby isn't important, but IT ISN'T THERE and I don't want to be living in a world where I just think of what I haven't got. I never could stand that in other people, and I certainly don't want to be there myself.
It has been very distracting though, and I had a long and horrible meeting with my manager on Tuesday to be told that I was not really working very well. Other people had mentioned things. All a bit vague, and nobody wants to say anything because no-one wants to see me upset (oh please) but of course the most upsetting thing was that either she had solicited these comments, or my colleagues had gone to her of their own accord to make them. Neither is very uplifting to the spirits. I was floored, really. Flawed I guess, (ha ha).
Did I understand their concerns? Did I think it fair? No, I bloody well didn't. I was furious and devastated. Both at the same time. So what did I do, do you think? Nothing I can be proud of, I started to try and explain and ended up crying so hard she had to go and find me tissues. How pathetic. Oh god, how I hate it when I am so weepy, and I had been for the whole week away skiing too, so I tried to explain, and it always comes out as pathetic and pointless when you are in such a mess. And of course she was embarrassed and suggested I went away 'to think' and that we meet again soon.
I managed to joke, why couldn't people just come and talk to me if there were a problem, why should they think it would upset me. I am not sure she thought I was very funny though, I'd embarrassed her by being upset. What did she expect?

But that wasn't really the point of this post. I want to say that I need to get my own life back and I spent time (while I sat in a mountain restaurant because my ski-boots were hurting so much I just couldn't ski anymore - I have never found boots to fit me properly) thinking and just trying to answer the question:

Baby aside, what do I really want?

How hard should that be to answer?
I must have been very distracted these past 2 years.

Starting with the real basics, I want to be with my husband, I love him completely. He is absolutely the best man I have ever met. And I love where we live.

So we get to job.
I do like my job, but I think I might just need some real time out. I can't deny the thought of maternity leave is SO attractive. Just to break the routine. Do something different and fulfilling. I have been in this company for just over 6 years, which is by far and away a record for me. The job is great and worthwhile, the company incredibly friendly and easy. Pay's not best and there are always things that you could improve, but I really can't complain, especially when I talk to friends who work for idiot bosses or huge, stupid organisations who have lost touch with common sense.
So do I want to leave or work part time? Would I miss the social aspects of coming to work? Do I need the routine? How would we manage with less money? Or could I find alternatives that would make me happier? How bad does it all have to get before I move on? Or is it really not that bad at all, but the shadow my 'personal life' is casting across my working life is making my working life much harder too.

I DO seem distracted.
Actually I think I am depressed.
It wouldn't be such a huge surprise after all.

I have lost my focus, it's true, and I am really struggling to find a way back to me.


  • I would have laughed at your joke (and not just to be polite).
    If you are still functional at all after 5 miscarriages in 2 years, you are doing extremely well.
    Gee, and to think miscarriages might impact the rest of your life :-)
    You're wise to start looking at the big picture but I know how difficult that is.
    Best of luck


    By Blogger DinosaurD, at 2:55 am  

  • This post of yours is the closest match I've had to my own experiences. I'm really grateful for it.

    I've been amazed that on my own blog, which began with a miscarriage, that I also have been writing almost exclusively about work. It is so devastating to me that life and work are so opposed to one another. When I had my miscarriage my principal/boss said over the phone, "Life comes first. Work is just to help us through." But then I came back to work after two days off and it was busy as usual in overdrive.

    You said in your blog that you were not writing about what you had intended to write about. I think it's beautiful and astonishing that topics glue themselves together in this way. I have not had the same issues as you about difficulty conceiving and about miscarriages, but I have had to wait to have children because my life was so abruptly interrupted by cancer a few years ago as well as my husband's unemployment.

    My comment is now getting too long, but I would love to explore with you WHY is it we want to have children. Some of my reasons feel much less noble than others, like simply feeling left out when practically everyone I knows complains about being up all night with the baby.

    In any case, you do sound depressed. I don't know you at all, but I felt the way you sound about a month ago, and then suddenly found some strength that has brought me out of it (as I start looking for a new job, for whatever it's worth). I hope you find the same.

    By Blogger Warriorwen, at 2:11 pm  

  • i would have laughed at your joke too!

    what you wrote sounds so familiar, RPL sucks the life out of you. that you are standing is a testament to your strength.

    and the fact that you can get up and go to work every morning is great. i try to celebrate that i can even do that somedays (it can be the little things.)

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 2:54 pm  

  • Wow, I'm so sorry that happened. I've been in a similar position and it's awful enough even when your entire emotional make-up hasn't been forever altered by recurrent miscarriage. Your motivation and drive vis a vis your job is bound to have changed, and it's good that you're examining that. Keep your chin up!

    By Blogger Lola, at 4:42 pm  

  • I've felt the same way about my job but actually in my case i'm lucky enough that people haven't noticed. Or perhaps they're storing it up! I'm so sorry you had such a shitty conversation - it honestly doesn't sound as if your manager handled it that well.

    Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? It's really helped me at other times in my life.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 9:50 pm  

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