Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, February 02, 2006

In battle with my body - the route to self destruction

One of the effects of this syndrome, (and I’m sure it’s not just me), that there is no-one to blame but your own body. I am effectively in battle with my own body – the resentment, the frustration that something goes wrong every time I get pregnant and in spite of the fact that it is MY BODY, I have NO CONTROL.

This is why I spend so long examining every thing that goes into my body – no additives, but lots of supplements. Aspirin, folic acid, royal jelly, omega oils. Plenty of snake oil.

‘I will control what my body does, I will control what goes in it, and control how it behaves’.

But it doesn’t work. Nothing works.

And nobody is to blame. But this does not compute. I am modern women, programmed to take control of my life. I ‘snap out’ of depression, Ihave a life that is what I make of it. I am not a passive victim. I am strong, I am powerful, I am in control of my life. (Hear me roar?)

So what happens? In battle with my own body I lose confidence. I cannot win this battle and I cannot bear the miserable consequences of NOT winning. Another lost pregnancy. Another nearly-baby we thought of names for, pinned our dreams on, but finished up flushing down the loo. An pitiful, pathetic, enraging end.

Just more anger and frustration directed where? At myself for being incapable of doing what millions of women do, apparently effortlessly. But not me. Not in my body. (Hear me cry).

2 Comments:

  • Ugh vivien I am sorry. I think it's true for almost all of us going through IF. It's all our fault, and there should be something we can do about it. I've tried all the supplements etc to no avail.

    I think the main thing to try is to cut yourself a bit of slack. At some level you need to keep telling yourself that it's NOT your fault, and that you deserve for this to work out.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 6:39 pm  

  • the hardest thing for me to learn through my RPL is that I have no control. i can't decide to ovulate a good egg, and i can't make it a normal embryo.

    but like thalia said, it is NOT your fault. breath and repeat. it is the only thing you can control sometimes.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 10:56 pm  

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