Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Monday, November 26, 2007

I know (but so much still to learn)

Why did they show me his face?
(A broad smile; a child charming the camera. Adorable.)
Why do I remember it?
Why do I see his smile still?

All those dates that I have banished. I have done so well. I do not mark a day out for grieving, because of ‘this time last year / two years ago / three years ago'.

I have let go.

But his date of birth was written in huge font across the top of his details, just under the words ‘Urgently seeking adoption’. Just above his picture. I shan’t forget his birthday. Or his picture.

I know his name.
I know about his birth parents, and what he is likely to inherit from them.

I know the colour of his hair.
I know the colour of his eyes.
I know when he was ‘taken into care’.
I know what state he was in when they took him in.
I know what he likes to eat.
I know he is already walking.

I know I shall never know him.

He will never know me.
I know another kind of grief.

But I know I will let go of this little boy too.

I know that never mind what was meant to be, this is what is, and I can’t change that.

I am getting over it.
You do, you know.
Well, I do, I know.


  • I think i might have mentioned this before, but a friend once said to me:

    "they say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't heal,it just lets skin grow over the wounds so they are easier to bear. But you still have the scars."

    I'm sure you will never forget him. But the loss will get easier. And bollocks to what's meant to be, it hurts like hell no matter what.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 12:02 am  

  • This post was heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're going through this at all - that there's even something you need to get over. Most of the time, I think, what is, is what's meant to be. Hard as that is to swallow. However unfair it may seem.

    Thinking of you...

    By Blogger Tracy, at 1:50 pm  

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