Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Breaking the news to everyone

Today I went to a race. (Not to race myself. One post I have not been able to write is how I have recently been diagnosed with osteo-arthritis in my left hip. It is as yet very minor and doesn't interfere with normal activity, but I have been advised to stop my running. I hate that. Running has sometimes been my key to sanity - and also is what mainly keeps my weight under control. But when the choice seems to be between stopping running and running the risk of being seriously lame . . . I watch old people and the way they move, it terrifies me. The slowness is pain, and suddenly I know I have to look after my joints and find an alternative to running.)

Anyway, back to the race. I bumped into a bunch of people that I haven't seen for ages, since I stopped running, but whom I know fairly well. I knew many of them before I met R, and some were an important part of my life at one time. Things have moved on, but I want to tell them about Monday, about the panel, and that soon I may have a child in a pushchair to bring, next time I come to watch them race . . . that we are going to ADOPT, that I am proud and glad, and what it has been like and all that STUFF. I just don't know how to bring the subject around to "oh, by the way, R and I are planning to adopt". I don't know what's so hard about it, but it really doesn't get into conversation so easily.

I am having a really weepy evening. Maybe just trying to clear out some of these worries. Last night I went through the last 8 months or so of bank statements, trying to figure out how we will manage on just R's income. I so want to be a stay-at-home-mum. I think it's important for kids, but especially for an adopted kid who will need so much help and confirmation of his/her worth. I need to be there.

And what about me? How does the bonding work for me? I know mothers have trouble sometimes even bonding with birth children (which I find extraordinary) but will I bond?

And will it be a boy or a girl? When I picture the future I keep slipping into seeing a girl, without meaning to, and yet I think I may be better with a boy. I don't think the gender of this child will really matter.

Oh, is it possible at all that the hormone crash I should have had at the last much glossed-over miscarriage is hitting me now?

And how the hell did I get to be 44 and have no children?


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