Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Thursday, October 04, 2007

All signed and sealed . . .

We have now had our last meeting with KT, who was sadly asked by her superior to rephrase the quote that was in my last post. I am pleased to report, however, that the following EXCELLENT sentence has survived to final draft:

"Although Vivien describes R as muscular I would describe him as slim (though I have never seen him with his shirt off)"

Isn't that great? And on so many levels!

I have visions of the entire panel undressing my husband with their eyes as we walk in (on Monday 15th).

Also, it is SO good to know that on the occasion when KT and R met without me that there was nothing untoward went on (or does she just protest too much?)

And you have to wonder, don't you, whether someone who writes a comment like that has some kind of secret yearning for my husband! She must have thought about it after all!

Ah well, who can blame her? Certainly not me.

I know the panel on the 15th is really just a formality - if there were any problems with our application to adopt we would most certainly have been alerted by now. So this process is reaching a critical point. And how do you think I feel?

Excited? Nervous? Impatient to move on?

No, not me.

I am suddenly concerned that I might miss work when I give it up and that the whole thing might be one huge mistake. Suddenly I realise that time on my own at home in the complete quiet is something I love. I don't know if I will love being at home with a young child who may be doing everything in his/her power to sabotage our relationship. I am worried I am too old. I am worried I won't have the energy. I will be snappy and irritable mother instead of a patient and loving one.

My bucket of confidence appears to have a leak.

A bit of me knows this is what I want, but I just keep seeing the flipside. The thing is, when you are pregnant you can't actually stop the train (well, of course you can, but you know what I mean) - with this, with adoption, in theory I could. But I won't so I'll only ever have myself to blame if it is a nightmare.

Oh yes - and the other side (the third side to this odd coin) is this fear I keep returning to that they will never find us a match. That I am simply not meant to be a mother.

Well - hope that cheered you all up!


4 Comments:

  • Congratulations on making it this far! That is great news. You will be a fantastic mother so just stop with the doubts.
    No child, whether adopted or biological, is going to be easy and carefree. That just isn't in their nature. So yes, there will be rough times but then the hugs, kisses and I Love You Momma will so out weigh any bad attitude or broken window, that you forget that rough times.
    This is going to happen and you will be wonderful at being a mother. Just don't forget that you have all of us out here in the internet to bounce questions off of, ok? Plus we will want to see pictures and hear how great being a mommy is from you.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 3:42 pm  

  • I think your fears about finally getting a child and losing out on somethings are only the same fears that many women have when they get pregnant. When I was pregnant I suddenly started doubting it was what I really wanted, when I lost the baby at 8 weeks - I KNEW it had been what I wanted after all. Sigh.

    Juliet

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:45 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, I'm so glad KT finally came through -- and I agree, she sounds like she's got the subliminal hots for your husband!

    It's all too understandable that your bucket has sprung a leak -- it would be superhuman to maintain a cheery, unflappable confidence level after everything you've gone through. These doubts you have are totally natural. I hope and trust that soon a little one will have a chance to dispel them once and for all.

    By Anonymous Kath, at 4:09 pm  

  • The fact you're worried is reassuring to me. A child is a huge responsibility and I only truly worry about those people who seem to plunge in without a doubt in the world.
    Of course you would have second thoughts and misgivings (you have a brain, no?)
    DinoD

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:12 pm  

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