Looking back, moving on

I had my first miscarriage on Thanksgiving day in 2003 - three years ago.
I had 2 more in 2004, 2005 and I have had one, (so far) in 2006.
Around this time last year, R and I said we would give it until the end of this year and stop. And after #6 we decided it was time to look at adopting.
My period is due in about a week, and if it turns out I am pregnant, I would most likely miscarry early in the new year - possibly mid January. Maybe it would bring final closure. If I do get my period, I think I will actually do the unthinkable and go back to using contraception. I need to let it go, and I think I can.
We finished the adoption course, and now have the forms to request our home study. Unfortunately, the social worker we both really liked has just taken on another couple and won't be able to do me and R. We're disappointed, as we had a good understanding with her, and she doesn't have that 'too good' thing that lots of social workers seem to get. But to be fair, all the sw's we have met so far have been fine, so I am sure it will be OK. About 6 months of the home study - a full grilling on both sides to get at all the hidden impurities - and then we can 'go to panel', for someone to make a decision about whether we would be suitable. I am confident we will be OK, but matching with a child seems like asking the impossible - but let's climb that one when we get there.


It is fair to say that I am feeling much more positive, and though these things may seem minor, my life feels happier, and more in my control:

• I have had a hair cut, which involves me straightening it daily - amazing, (you would understand if you knew me!) but it really does look great and I feel so much better for it.
• R and I are about to enter week 4 of a detox diet - roughly speaking this has meant no caffeine, no alcohol, no processed food, no sugar, no wheat, no eggs or dairy. And I would never have believed that (a) I could do this, or (b) I would not hate it - but we have done it, and it is actually making us both feel really good. Obviously, we are human and have slipped now and then but we have both lost a bit of weight (a good 5lbs each) which is always positive.
• Work is going much better. I went to my manager with a proposal that I changed my role to do much more writing and editing - in fact to take on the marketing department's writing load. It's a huge job, but it's what I love best, and (shock of shocks) she has given me the new role AND restructured the rest of the department's roles around it AND given me an assistant writer who will report to me. Sorry if this sound meglomanic, but I AM SO GLAD TO BE MANAGING SOMEONE AGAIN AT LAST. I think it is simply that my own self-worth slipped so low.
• It's nearly Christmas and I am looking forward to it. AND I have bought all but R's present. Any ideas for presents for the perfect husband who has just about everything he needs, likes Paul Smith and the Outdoors and doesn't really do reading - definitely not fiction. . .?

And finally, yesterday I bought myself a beautiful pair of Rockport brown nubuck boots which will replace the ones I have worn since the trip to the USA in 2003 when I lost my first baby. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I can move on now.