Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Stop the world

Fabulous, this just gets better.

Still spotting, but I really believe this will stop soon. After all, I’m only just into my 4th week – I thought it was longer. Seems like much longer.

But at least I don’t have colitis. My brother had it, and had to have his whole colon removed, years ago. When I had intense, screaming pains in my lower abdomen on Saturday, I thought that was what it might be.

So I went to my GP today.

No, it’s too low to be my colon – almost certainly a ‘low level pelvic infection’. (Low level? What the hell does high level feel like?) He prescribed antibiotics and so much ibuprofen I probably won’t feel a thing for weeks. So much for acupuncture and herbs, I suppose. Should I sack the acupuncturist?

Always assuming the doctor is right, of course, and it’s not my colon.

As a little PS, following emotional outburst to the GP about how MISERABLE I am after all these miscarriages, he said “don’t come back and see me until you have spoken to social services about adoption. Don’t leave it any longer, or your age may prevent you even adopting”.

My poor GP has a box of tissues on his desk and I got through 2 or 3 in the space of about 10 minutes. Once I start . . .

Honestly, I sometimes think that if there was nothing to stop me I would cry for hours and hours. And then some.

Please make it all stop. I really want it all to stop now.

If only so I don’t write any more miserable posts. I am so fed up with myself.

I know if I were reading this by someone else I would tell her to try and be kind to herself, to do nice things . . . but I am finding it all so hard. I feel like my confidence has all just leaked away over the months.

I find it hard to socialise, to go to work. To call anyone is next to impossible.

I wrote most of this post yesterday, but then blogger-dot-com was down, so I couldn’t post it. But I did email the county adoption services, just asking them to send more info.

I could definitely love an adopted child. No question about that. And I am beginning to really like the idea – even if the child is a bit older. But how am I ever going to convince the agencies that I would be a worthy mother, when there seems to be so much against me, I am so old, and inside I am so, so fallible? And so, so sad?

6 Comments:

  • oh vivien, im so sorry youre so sad & feel so awful. i know that feeling of extreme tenderness & vulnerability where its overwhelming & will never go away. When youre feeling so bad - its hard to believe you will ever feel differently. I want to commend you for calling the adoption agency & being open to that & being proactive - it is so hard to be proactive especially when youre sooooooooooooooo vulnerable but you've managed it - well done.
    You will not have to convince them youre worthy - you are a tender. loving, emotional woman who is dedicated to being a mother - & will make a very good one, a special one - im thinking of you x

    By Blogger Womb in Waiting, at 11:25 am  

  • I think the fact that you are so so sad is exactly the thing that will make you a great mother. You care and you have love to give and that is all a child really needs.

    Thinking of you!

    By Blogger Beagle, at 2:15 pm  

  • Vivien, from what I understand on UK adoption the age limits are not too restricting, so I think you will be ok. I hope that you get a nice, thoughtful, helpful SW who will help you through the process.

    I'm sorry it's so horribly hard, but please don't feel like you have to write happy posts for us. We are here whatever.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 7:09 pm  

  • Would you like a contact who's been through infertility and the adoption process in England? They adopted a four year old girl after infertility treatments did not result in a family.

    She's an internet pal who would be happy to exchange e-mail with you if that helps in any way. She's from my over 35 infertility discussion board so she can relate to the age factors as well. They moved on to adoption and have had their little girl for about a year.

    Let me know.

    By Blogger Beagle, at 3:41 am  

  • You poor dear. I'm so sorry that you are suffering, Vivien. I hope that everything resolves soon physically. It's hard to start healing emotionally when you are still dealing with the physical aftermath of a miscarriage.

    Adoption is a daunting process (I am starting the process myself right now), but I read a book about it recently that made me feel reassured about some of my concerns. It said that 95% of people who seek to adopt are doing so because they were unable to have biological children, and a large percentage of them are in their late 30s or older. In other words, it appears that most prospective adoptive parents are fallible, sad because of infertility or miscarriages, and older, so we are in good company. I can see that you would be a wonderful mother to any child, including an adopted child, and I can't see why the adoption agencies wouldn't see that, too.

    By Anonymous Jill, at 5:12 pm  

  • Oh, Vivien, I wish I could hug you. You will make a wonderful, loving mother, and there's no doubt in my mind that any adoption agency or social worker would see that quite clearly.

    By Anonymous Nikole, at 2:12 pm  

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