Calmer but no closer

Well, the intervening 10 days have been good for me. I have calmed down a lot, and [dare I say it?] I am even beginning to look forward to bringing this little boy home.

So how on earth did I get here?

To begin with (and to some extent still) I could simply think OF NOTHING ELSE. I found myself in tears in the car just from the stress of having to live and even function alongside this constant banging of questions in my head.

I spent time on the phone to two very good friends. One is a GP and has friends and contacts who are paediatricians and similar experts. The other is such a good friend that she spent ages googling for me and also has friends who work with addicts. They both came back to me with their findings, plus lots of love and compassion (for me this time) and it was a HUGE help.

There is more to come in, but the general feeling is that . . . well things could be a lot worse. Surprisingly (I thought) the drug is not actually all that damaging in itself – it’s the addiction itself that does so much damage and leads its victims into the desperate lives of stealing and dropping out. I need to get answers to lots of questions – it’s unlikely, for example that the birth mother swore off alcohol and other drugs, which could have been more dangerous . . . I need to find out about the baby’s experiences during withdrawal, about his current development etc etc – but I am feeling considerably more optimistic.

So I had some good friends, some good advice, and should have been feeling a lot better, when I realised that there was more to my panic. In brief: I will be stopping work, for at least a year, possibly more. As a couple we will lose nearly half our income, but have a lot more to spend our money on. I haven’t ever brought up a child before. What if I don’t know what to do? What if I don’t bond? What if after 3 months I realise I don’t want this? What if just doing this is the WRONG THING?

I was so angry with myself too, because I thought I had just realised, after this whole journey, that I don’t want to have a child at all. Not the case. Just nerves as the prospect of my wishes fulfilled approaches. . . at least I think so!

And now I think I am back on track – although if the placement order is not granted on the third, I will probably have a breakdown. But bizarrely, in spite of myself and my general predisposition for being over-excitable and fairly impatient, I am feeling reasonably calm.

I think this will work out, but if it doesn’t I think I will cope.

Famous last words?!



PS Excuse the rather crappy name change – I just need to make myself a little more anonymous to RL people, and while I realise this is not exactly high security, it doesn’t involve setting up either a whole new blog, or making it ‘inviteds’ only, which seems a little extreme and exclusive, which I have never claimed to be!