Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Monday, September 04, 2006

I missed you. I'm back.

Yes, I am back. I am sorry for the long break. I did miss you, and have been checking on some of you a little . . .

Actually I have been having a strange old time, and wondered for a while if this blogging was really doing me any good, but I miss you all, and just because I may never be pregnant again . . . but I am getting ahead of myself.

A quick update – the holiday was FULL OF SNOW which actually eventually drove us off our planned route, which was a shame but we did lots of good stuff anyway. I also, unfortunately, managed to get the worst cold that I can remember having in YEARS, but I think, strangely, it allowed other members of the group to use me as an excuse to bail out of the high altitude stuff with 2 feet of snow on the ground. Glaciers are pretty dangerous when you can’t see the crevasses which lie under a layer of soft snow . . .

Anyway, that was the holiday. R and I are going away to Brittany for a long weekend at the end of this month to have a relaxing break, as the 2 weeks in Austria really couldn’t be described as relaxing. Oh, and the middle finger of my left hand is still very swollen nearly 4 weeks after hurting it when I fell off some rocks. (Fortunately I was roped to R and another when it happened, and fortunately I didn’t land on my head. The finger injury seemed a small price to pay, but is still painful. I will go and see a doctor eventually, I promise).

Then there has been a bit of a saga with this supposed pelvic infection. I have had all sorts of tests and swabs and smears (ugh!) but they have all shown up clear. Now my doctor thinks maybe it IS digestive after all. I am frustrated and angry, and have also been very upset by my GP’s insinuation that my physical symptoms (lower abdominal pain) are almost certainly due to ‘my pumping myself full of drugs’. I wonder if he would have had the same attitude if I had managed to keep the baby? Why are people so smug? He doesn’t even mean it, but every time I drag myself back to see my GP I seem to end up in tears again. It is wearing me out.

And so, worn out, I find I have little energy to put into writing this stuff down. I thought maybe a break would do me good – and actually, if I am honest, I think it does help me to stop obsessing so much – get on with today instead of spending my time thinking of what nearly was, what might have been.

And then I think . . . can I write a blog about recurring miscarriages when I don’t really believe I will get pregnant again. How can I get pregnant? What would be the point? Since the weight of medical opinion appears to believe that I am just too old. . . well, I didn’t get any younger since the last m/c, and I really don’t think I am about to. It makes me angry and sad, but I think they have worn me down. I am just too old. Bad eggs, bad body, bad me. Or not good enough.

And I am stuck a bit in a little world where going forward and say, adopting, is fraught with difficulties and new questions – I need to be confident and stable to face the prospect of social services inquisitions . . .

One day I will be confident and stable.

Ha!


More soon - I promise!

8 Comments:

  • Welcome back. I missed you. I hope your finger feels better. It's hard to know what to say about the subject of the recurrent miscarriages because I don't want to give assvice having never beeen in your shoes. Please know that I think about you and I know you are getting stronger and your post tells me you are thinking about next steps. Good luck with all that and stay in touch.

    By Blogger PortLairge, at 8:42 pm  

  • It's so hard. I don't know if this will be the case for you, but after the last miscarriage I didn't think I'd ever feel ready to go ahead with adoption, but now I think I will be. It now feels like a positive step.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 9:59 pm  

  • Hi Vivien
    I also don't want to give any assvice but in my case, you know I have some experience with recurrent miscarriage. I am just now starting to feel human again after the last one (which was before yours).
    Anyway, please keep your blog going. I can also relate to the ambivalence about blogging but you know, there are a lot of us who are also perhaps "too old" and not sure where and how to deal with it. And please give your GP a swift kick from me okay?
    Take care of the finger- and I always thought rock climbing was so safe :-)
    DinoD

    By Blogger DinosaurD, at 11:40 pm  

  • Good to see you back, Vivien. Us over-40's have to stick together, you know! I hope you can see a more sympathetic doctor soon.

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 10:46 am  

  • Oh sweetie.

    I feel the same. Just had my 6th mc too. I'm so weary. I know just what you mean.

    By Anonymous fuschia, at 3:37 pm  

  • Glad you are back with no serious injuries. The middle finger injury, gives you an excuse to use it on the world now. ;)

    Missed reading about your adventures. Keep on blogging I need you around.

    By Blogger Shinny, at 3:56 pm  

  • Dear Vivien, it's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're in such a depressed place -- and hope that things start to feel better very soon.

    I understand about your ambivalence and fears regarding your blog, but hope that they resolve and that blogging becomes a safe haven for you. I would love for you to stay.

    Doctors make me so frustrated I seem to cry afterwards every time. I still can't quite believe how I got from the normal state of affairs to this one...

    By Anonymous Kath, at 9:36 am  

  • You're not too old. You're old enough that this is really difficult, but since they can't diagnose why you are miscarrying, you might have had this problem earlier in life. You've read the Jon Cohen book, right?

    I would have kicked the GP, regardless of needing to have a future relationship. They're so bloody ill-informed sometimes.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 6:24 pm  

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