Getting off the Rollercoaster - Going for Adoption

Monday, September 25, 2006

Unusually for me . . .

Throwing caution to the wind - here is a post I DIDN'T write earlier. Mostly I fiddle about writing something in Word before translating it into an entry, but this one is spontaneous, mostly because I am stuck here writing this at work (at 6.15pm) and I just want to go home.

Feeling awfully odd.
We had a visit from 2 women from Social Services last Tuesday. They stayed about 2 hours and we talked about adoption. None of it was really surprising or new - they needed to suss us out a little and explain a few of the basics - children up for adoption are
  1. Emotionally abused, sometimes sexually abused
  2. likely to have been sent back and forth from foster carers to birth parents until finally the decision is reached that birth parents cannot hack it
  3. History of neglect
  4. Will have difficult behaviours
  5. Often idolise birth parents
  6. etc etc etc

None of this was a surprise to me - there is plenty of reading material that has already told me all of this. Then there were questions for us. And some indication of what we will have to go through in terms of a process. About 9 visits, each lasting 'at least 3 hours'. They told us about another couple who had halted the whole process 'just to have a break'. We were told 'you will learn things about each other you never knew' etc etc etc.

It has become a given that I will stop working if we can adopt. At the meeting I was entirely up for that. I do believe that bringing up a child is important enough that I should stop work. But . . . I don't know, it seemed that I would HAVE to if we wanted to stand a chance.

Part of it (and I know there are really good reasons for this) but PART of the issue is the knowledge that if you are a woman who can produce a baby of your own, heaven and earth have to be moved before the baby is taken away.

If you are a woman who is unable to produce a baby you have to learn to move heaven and earth, and I am so afraid to fail at this too.

I KNOW they set you up to believe the worst - they don't want people who aren't sure / can't cope / don't understand the implications. I know I COULD do this. I could be a good mother to a needy child. But I don't think I will enjoy the process of proving it.

But we passed the initial hurdle, jumped through the first hoop, and we have a letter now inviting us to a prospective adopters' course on 4 consecutive Saturdays in November.

I am really wondering if I should do it.

6 Comments:

  • You will make any child a wonderful mother. Do what you need to for you and your husband. You have passed the first test. Can't hurt to check out those classes and then decide, right?

    Good luck to you on your journey. And you know that as soon as you decide to adopt, you will end up pregnant. ;) (that was totally supposed to be funny, in case that didn't come through in writing.)

    By Blogger Shinny, at 7:31 pm  

  • You can do anything for four weeks, including an adoption class. I can see what you mean, though, about jumping through the hoops, when really you'd just like to take the hoops home with you, emotional baggage and all and love them and feed them and call them your own. Like, enough practicing and proving yourselves already.

    By Blogger casey, at 8:34 pm  

  • I have heard that some people go to the classes and that's it, they can't take any more - but for others it confirms their decision.

    Good luck - we may be joining you soon.

    By Blogger DrSpouse, at 10:40 pm  

  • It's amazing how different different LAs are. A colleague is adopting at the moment. She and her husband have been through just 4 home visits, each no more than an hour, two of them together and two separately. She said it's been MUCh easier than she ever imagined. seems like your LA will really put you through the wringer.

    Adoption terrifies me for some of the reasons outlined in this post. If I gave up work, we'd have to sell our house, etc etc as I am the major breadwinner. Plus I don't know how I would cope with all the challenges those children are likely to have.

    I do think this is an instance where, despite what much of the adoption writing says, you are provign yourself an immensely strong, giving person to do this. I admire your courage.

    By Blogger Thalia, at 10:19 am  

  • Hi, Vivien. It IS hard to jump through all the adoption hoops, especially after having been through all the miscarriages. On the other hand, it's good that your agency seems to educate and prepare prospective adopters well so that if you do decide to adopt you will be going into it with eyes wide open. If you do adopt a child, you will be a wonderfully loving mother. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best, as always.

    By Anonymous Jill, at 5:06 pm  

  • Those are exactly the reasons why we will not go through the process, ever. I wish you determination and grit to endure and come out the other side.

    By Blogger Pamplemousse, at 9:59 am  

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